Q: I love my family, but it really bugs me that I can’t seem to get their attention when I want to speak to them. I don’t like getting angry and yelling, but that is what seems to be needed to get them to listen to me. Sometimes I’m trying to talk to one child and another one jumps in when he is not wanted. What can I do?
A: Families need to develop a system for getting each other’s attention.
Once a system is agreed upon, hopefully everyone becomes used to it. Then, if they don’t listen, it is not because they don’t hear you, but because they don’t want to listen.
Read Also
Communication key to bridging generation gap
Each generation is shaped by the predominant forces at play during their formative years. Acknowledging these influences can improve communication among the generations.
Some years ago, my wife was meeting her mother at a women’s conference in Saskatoon. She spotted her mother at the other end of the hallway and yelled out “Mom.” Forty heads turned around to see who was paging them. If she had called, “Marjorie Wilson,” only one head would have turned.
Families need a paging system. Some may use “Hey, you!” but that doesn’t make it clear to whom they are speaking. The best system is to say the person’s name before you speak. This tells others they don’t need to pay attention to you, and may prevent them from interrupting. It also alerts the person you want to speak to.
Families need to develop different ways to let members know who is being spoken to. If they don’t, then some people may not pay attention when they need to, and others may pay attention and then feel frustrated when they realize the message was not directed at them.
Sometimes we need everyone to hear and must develop a commonly understood message to help this happen.
Others might use communication styles from other social systems such as the navy’s “Now, here this!” the army’s “Attention” or the police department’s “All-points bulletin.” At wedding receptions, people clink on the glass to get people’s attention. At the swimming pool, lifeguards blow a whistle. However, these methods are too authoritarian for my comfort.
Humorous ways often work best. Comments like “All-family bulletin”, or “Earth calling everyone” may work better, since if you can chuckle when interrupted, you won’t feel as irritated. I knew of one family where the lights would flicker or a little dinner bell would ring as a signal to others.
I am sure each family develops its own paging system, and I am interested in hearing phrases that families have found helpful to get people’s attention. I hope to share some of these in a future column. Information can be left on my message manager at 306-764-1214, mailed to my home at 17 Ð 24 St. East, Prince Albert, Sask., S6V1R3 or e-mailed to petergrif@sasktel.net.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
