Freelance Columnist
opinion
What do I do when people lie when they write to me? Even more important, how do I know they are lying?
I wish I had the answers to those questions. It would make writing these columns a lot easier.
Occasionally, I’ve guessed that a letter was made up. Sometimes I disregarded it. Other times I used it, but mentioned my suspicions in the reply. I published one letter recently which appeared to me to be genuine. I had no warning signs within it to make me doubt that.
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After it was published, the writer’s ex-spouse phoned, upset because I had published it. He maintained what she said was all lies.
Most times I only have room in this column to print a small part of what a person writes. And in choosing what to print, I try hard to exclude obvious identifying facts.
It’s quite possible that his wife left out a great deal about her faults, and the fact that she herself had also been involved with other people. Whether that was because she felt hurt and turned to others for affection, or whether she was using other people, I don’t know and don’t care. That is in the past. And her concerns and my reply dealt with the present.
Confidentiality considered
This man felt all his neighbors knew it was him and his ex-wife I had written about. Perhaps, but also perhaps not. I do my best to protect confidentiality as much as possible. I doubt if neighbors learned anything new from the column. And if I erred in my editing, I apologize to all involved.
I can’t control what neighbors choose to do and think. I also do not have the time nor money I would need to contact everyone who writes to me in order to screen their letters.
He maintained she didn’t tell me about a lot of hurts she had caused him. That is quite possible. But it’s interesting that in our conversation, he basically attacked her as aggressively as he complained she was attacking him.
Blame put on partner
And he chose not to acknowledge some of the issues she had raised, which had appeared realistic and truthful to me. Instead of looking at his own faults, he merely gave me a detailed list of hers.
The fact that this couple no longer live together is probably a good thing. I doubt if either were angels. And constantly putting her down over the years quite likely led to a lot of negative behavior in return.
Staying together would have likely made things worse. It was the wife who wrote to me about her pains and hurts, and looking for some help and direction from me. If she chose not to be honest with me about her own behavior she only hurt herself since, if so, it did not allow me to give her as helpful information as I could have. But how do I know the accusations made by her ex-husband in his conversation with me are accurate?
I believe trust is the key value in any human relationship. Unless clear evidence stops me from doing so, I trust and respect the content and emotions of what readers choose to share with me. It’s the only way.
If I didn’t, my questioning and suspicion would destroy my ability to communicate honestly and openly with the letter writers and all my readers.
