Q: Somewhere along the way, our children have grown up and left home. My husband and I have not been alone since shortly after we married. At first, it was great not to have to worry about our boys. I thought that my husband and I could spend some quality times together. Now I am not so sure. We spent so much of our time during the past 20 years raising the kids that we forgot about working on our marriage. Now, with the kids gone, and with no one else to talk to, I am getting really lonely.
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A: I suspect that you sacrificed more than your marriage while you were raising your children. You also sacrificed your relationship to your community and your commitment to yourself. You probably did not spend enough time during the past 20 years involved in activities in the community that would satisfy your need for self-fulfillment. All of your time and energy, both at home and at the hockey rink or school, was for the kids.
You need to take time now to rediscover yourself and to get involved in things that are important to you.
Your relationship with your husband managed to work successfully for the well-being of the children. It can be all-consuming.
Now you have to start again with each other. You do that by getting together regularly to rediscover each other, to learn to appreciate the person into which each of you has evolved. You can help each other deal with the loneliness when you walk by those empty rooms.
You have to start over each time you encounter something new and different in your marriage such as when your parents die, when you move, when you retire, or whenever something critical knocks on your front door. The more that you recognize the need to change and rediscover yourselves, the better you can build on your marriage and help it grow.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
