Q: When I ask my partner a question, he seems to become defensive, even though I think my question is innocent and I am not attacking him. What can I do?
A: Effective communication can be difficult to achieve in relationships.
We often don’t accurately say what we want to say. We may feel rushed or impatient and it doesn’t come out the way we planned to say it.
Poor acoustics may be part of a communication problem. Messages get distorted when going from one room to another. Some people don’t have good hearing and you must be face to face with them.
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People may not hear an entire message because they didn’t realize they were being spoken to until the other person was halfway through what they were saying.
Or they may have thought the person had finished talking, when they hadn’t. If you add to this the habit some of us have of thinking out loud, there are times when others aren’t sure whether we are talking to them, or just talking to ourselves.
The intent of a message is often interpreted by the tone, loudness or modulation of a person’s voice. Speaking loudly may be a sign of getting excited about the issue. Others may feel they are being yelled at, when that is not what the person intended.
Incomplete or inaccurate communication often occurs when someone is asking information.
If you ask a question that starts, “why did you” or what did you mean,” other people can interpret it as criticism, rather than a request for information. Being human, nobody likes to be criticized. We often don’t even realize the defensiveness in ourselves that feeling criticized can instantly create. But others see it
and react to it.
“I wonder” is a better opening to seek information. “I am wondering why you choose to do that,” can be seen as a polite request, rather than an interrogation.
But these “I wonder” statements must be said gently and politely, as an inquiry, rather than as a challenge. We may need to double check on what tone we use when we speak.
Emotional positions are more important than the ideas being debated. Emotion detracts from logical discussion and effective communication and understanding of the issues at hand. Emotional reactions can result in ideas being challenged, rather than accepted and understood.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/
petecope.
