When I talk to families I often hear the parents say that their sons and daughters have to earn their trust before it is given to them.
Trust is not a freebie.
That makes sense, doesn’t it? No young person should expect Mom and Dad to change a curfew time if she is consistently late. I do not have a problem with parents who want their kids to earn their trust. My problem is that I seldom see the other side of the picture. I do not see kids having the opportunity to earn their parents’ distrust.
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That young people should not be trusted is a theme that appears pervasive these days. Any number of reports on substance abuse tells us that today’s young people are more vulnerable than ever, and that they may find themselves addicted to either street drugs or to the ready and available alcohol.
Parents need to be sensitive to the signals telling them that their young people may be involved in significant substance abuse. The most obvious symptom of abuse is a sudden change in behaviour. When a usually successful student starts to bring home report cards with failing grades, that is a good signal that something is happening that requires a parent-child discussion.
Likewise, when a normally quiet young person is unacceptably rebellious, beyond the defiance that might be expected for late adolescence, the yelling and screaming may be saying more than what you think it is. You need to talk about it.
Don’t get me wrong. Sudden extreme changes in behaviour do not always mean that the adolescent is into substance abuse, but it does suggest that Mom and Dad should be talking to their family.
Earning distrust is another matter. The crystal meth scare and rampant teenage drinking are frightening, as are reports about youth violence and the extent to which young people carry guns and knives. Young people who are involved in these activities need our attention. But not all young people are involved. The truth is, most kids are not. Most kids pay attention to their school work, to some extent get along with their families, and understand the perils of substance abuse and violent behaviour. They deserve the trust and appreciation that we give them. They have not earned the distrust.
June is graduation month. It is the one time of the year we celebrate the responsible achievements of our young people. We might consider celebrating young people other months of the year as well. The fears and scares we pick up from news reports are cautionary signals but they are not, in themselves, sufficient reason to distrust all young people.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor, living and working in west-central Saskatchewan who has taught social work for two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com
