Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: Would you remind all grandparents and teachers that parents need positive reinforcement as well as children?
I’m a full-time mother with school-age children. I can’t help but think it would be nice if a teacher took the time to comment on the positive side of our children before they remind us of our weaknesses as parents. I feel the same about my children’s grandparents. They feel comfortable giving me constructive criticism but neglect to mention the many things that we do right.
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One day, I realized I wasn’t receiving much credit for anything. When I sat down and thought about it, I realized I was doing a fairly good job. Perhaps an untidy homework assignment isn’t or shouldn’t be as important in school as enjoying learning and respecting the teacher. If I was a grandparent, I’d accept the warm friendly hugs and ignore the mismatched socks and funny minds.
I found my confidence as a parent diminished when constructive criticism was not balanced with the odd compliment. I became less active as a parent in the school and also postponed visits to grandparents.
Please remind people that parents are trying their best. Most of us aren’t raising young offenders or drug addicts, nor are we raising Nobel Peace Prize winners. We are raising average children who hopefully will become good citizens and responsible adults. Also remind your readers that the average parent of average children needs a pat on the back now and then. We know our shortcomings far better than anyone else, but we and others seldom take time to notice our strengths.
A:Offering advice or giving feedback is a task that far too few people are able to do effectively. Constructive criticism is far too often an excuse for putting someone down.
Wenever you need to tell something negative to someone it’s important to check out whether you are doing it for your benefit, (ie the need to feel important) or if it is information that will actually help the person involved.
Years ago, in Toastmasters International, I was taught a very useful tool for giving evaluation or feedback, called the shave technique. It is analogous to the steps a man goes through when shaving. The first step is to lather up and soften the beard. People who need to hear some negative messages first need to hear something positive about themselves. This process takes warmth, comfort and some soaping up, all of which are equally as important in human relationships as in shaving.
Don’t rub it in
The next step is to shave cleanly. If you have a good razor, you don’t need to go over the same spot again and again. One simple, smooth stroke will do the job. Once you mention a problem or concern to someone, don’t mention it again. Otherwise you are rubbing it in.
The third step is to wipe off the remaining soap or shaving cream with gentle smooth wipes of a warm cloth. In other words, you clean off all the stuff that is left after the shave. This is what forgiveness is all about. You clean the slate so you can start over again fresh. You can’t forgive a bit. You have to let it all go.
The last step in a shave is to dab on some aftershave. This brightens up the skin and refreshes it. Whenever you talk with someone about their problem, it’s crucial to end your conversation with a positive message. If grandparents, teachers and everyone else practised this shaving technique, then constructive criticism wouldn’t be needed at all.
