Q: Every once in a while, on a Saturday night, I want to go out and have some fun, maybe go dancing or to a house party or wherever. But my husband seldom wants to go with me. For him, watching Hockey Night in Canada on the TV is about as good as it gets.
I think that overall my husband and I have a pretty good relationship. We like each other, we work well together and most of the time we keep our criticisms for each other out of our conversations.
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But if I get a yen to go out some Saturday night, often as not, we get into a horrific fight. What do you suggest that we do? My husband is looking forward to an answer, too.
A: Most of us know about our basic needs. We know that we need food, water and security if we are to survive.
What we often forget is that we also have psychological needs if we are to live with some degree of personal satisfaction. We need to know that we are important persons, that we have opportunities to express ourselves, that we have some control over our lives and that we have some excitement.
This is a more important need than most of us realize. Excitement, as long as we do not overdo it, is what keeps our minds and bodies alert as we get older. Excitement keeps us involved in our communities, and adds another dimension to our most important personal relationships.
The problem is that we often do not know what is exciting. What might be exciting for one person, such as going out on a Saturday night, is not necessarily exciting for the other.
You husband might find it downright boring to go dancing.
You can, of course, always find alternatives. You can call two or three of your girlfriends to go out in the evening. That would solve your need for some excitement without boring your husband, but it probably will not do much to improve your marriage.
My guess is that when you and your husband talk about Saturday night, you talk about the wrong things. You are debating the advantages and disadvantages of going out versus watching hockey. As long as you do that, you are not likely to reach a satisfying resolution.
If, on the other hand, you understand that the two of you are dealing with the need for excitement for yourselves and your relationship, the question is what is out there that is exciting for both of you?
You should be able to come up with something interesting that you can share. Maybe both of you like to travel or eat in exotic restaurants.
Once he and you start talking about putting some excitement into your lives and your relationship, you will come up with a long list of things to do. Your question to your husband then changes. You will be no longer asking him to go out with you on a Saturday night. You will be asking him what he would like to suggest to have some fun.
You might even find after the two of you get going into fun activities with each other, you will be asking him if you can stay home Saturday night because you are too tired to go out again, and that you would really enjoy relaxing in front of the TV set, even if he is watching his hockey game.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Sask-atoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
