Q: My husband is a night owl. I am a morning lark. Evenings are about the only time we see each other. But that is when we have to deal with the kids, clean up dishes and make their lunches. We seldom get time together to talk about ourselves and how our day went. And by then, I am falling asleep. How can we deal with our opposing clocks?
A: This is a rather common problem. I’m glad you mentioned that you find yourself falling asleep. It is not your husband putting you to sleep, it’s your body’s metabolism. It’s hard to know if it’s genetic or learned in early childhood, but time-clock differences can sharply reduce time for emotional or sexual intimacy.
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You can push yourself into staying awake with caffeine, but will likely pay for it later. Here are some strategies: 1) creative scheduling, 2) making the most of your mutually alert times, and 3) not taking certain issues as personal rejection by the other.
Look at your weekday schedule. When can you and your husband give your children the time they deserve? Does he read the paper or watch TV at times when he could share with you or the kids? He can do those later in the evening. How much is he involved with you in dishes and making lunches? That’s a good time for couples to talk and share things. What about going for a short walk after the kids settle down? Even if they are quite young, you can walk around or sit in the yard. Walking and talking bring people closer. It might even encourage your mutual desire for more personal activities before you fall asleep.
What times of the day are you both most alert and can best enjoy each other’s presence? If you work in town, what about your days? If you both farm, schedule holiday or break times after the heavy work is over, or even regular coffee or walk breaks. The two of you need to agree on these breaks and schedule them when you both have energy for each other.
What about weekends? Can you arrange to have some private time with your husband, even an afternoon by yourselves? This way you can focus on enjoying your high-energy times together. It’s like being on a date even if it’s in your own home.
Learn to live with each other’s energy timetable and see its advantages. If you have a sick child, one of you is always available. Also, despite how much you love your partner, it is nice to have time alone.
There are always some special occasions when you may need to push yourself to be active.
One suggestion: if you are trying to stay up late, avoid alcohol. Substitute coffee. And despite wanting to enjoy the late evening with him, be honest when your body is giving out on you.
