Q: We end up arguing and feeling hurt over our different ideas about things. It is like we can’t be different without fighting.
A: No two people are the same. Differences arise in any relationship. They can add excitement to a relationship, if handled with respect and sensitivity.
By sharing them, we get to see and enjoy the world through our partner’s eyes.
Differences also lead to disagreement and conflict when one person believes the other person has to always think or feel the same as them. A difference doesn’t have to lead to conflict if a person accepts her partner’s right to be himself, and appreciates him for what he is.
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Sharing and exploring require open and honest communication. People often neglect the most important part of communication, which is listening.
Often, if the other person’s message is not heard correctly, the feedback is inaccurate. Then disagreement and conflict arise.
Here are five unhealthy forms of communication that turn differences into conflict.
- We share our different ideas or feelings as positions, rather than views.
- We argue about our differences. We back away from each other and reach for our heavier verbal ammunition. To stop this, we need to listen. Then reflect back what we think we hear our partner sharing until he or she confirms that we “got it.” We make sure of what we heard before we respond. If we say after an argument, “but of course, I might be mistaken about this. What do you think?” we invite the other person to share their ideas.
- We ask the other person, in a judgmental way, why they misunderstood us. To stop this, we need to share what we feel or experience as an “I” message, and then ask the other person for feedback. For example, “I am confused when you say, ‘yes, but.’ I don’t know if you are arguing with me or supporting my views. Could you clarify this for me?”
- We resort to name calling. If a person receives put-downs, their instinctive reaction is to protect themselves.
- We give the silent treatment. Silence is a powerful communicator, but often it says the wrong message, such as “I don’t care.” To stop this, we listen honestly to someone, and make sure we don’t pounce on them. We can also acknowledge that we assume the other person does not want to talk at that moment, and suggest a mutually agreed upon time when we will deal with it.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www.sasktelwebsite.net/petecope.
