Q:I am in a terrible position. My son and my wife are fighting a lot. It is so bad that my son left the house the other night to move to his mother’s house. He told me he was not coming back until I got rid of “that woman.”
I love my son and I want him to come back home, and I love my wife and I want her to stay, but it appears that I cannot have it both ways. If one stays, the other leaves, or vice versa. I do not know what to do.
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Can you help me?
A:Obviously, the decision of who stays, your wife or son, is one the three of you have to make.
My guess is that you are a pleaser, always working and trying to make everyone happy. You have likely been bouncing between your son and wife for a long time, trying to please each of them and always being criticized or threatened regardless of what you do.
Is it possible that you have spent so much time caught between the two that you have lost sight of what is important for you, that you are not able to pursue your own goals?
Take a week out of your life and remove yourself as much as possible from your wife and son. Don’t drink while you are on this holiday and use only your prescription drugs.
This week is going to be your opportunity to rediscover yourself and resurrect those values and objectives that you hold dear.
You will most likely begin this exercise feeling lonely and guilty about being away from your family.
But if you can stick to the program, all of that guilt and fear will gradually diminish and you can reaffirm what is important to you.
It will remind you of the kind of home or family you would like them to help you create and the spiritual, social, financial and psychological factors that are important to you.
The more you assert yourself and declare what is important to you, the less you need to consider having anyone leave the home.
The decision for them is whether they are going to join you to build a home in which all of you can find the love and respect you deserve.
I understand that what I am suggesting is difficult. It is somewhat unusual for you to become assertive when you are used to subservience.
I suggest you find a counsellor to help you with this rediscovery.
The path for better relations with you for your wife and your son will be clear.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
