Q: For the past year and a half we have had a lot of trouble with our 16-year-old son. He was once a great student, but lately his school marks have hit rock bottom. He may not even pass all of his Grade 10 courses this year. He is cranky most of the time, seldom comes home when he is supposed to, does not do his chores, is rude to his dad and me, and he cannot be trusted with the family truck. We have tried everything to help him get back on track but he just bursts out of the room when we try to talk to him and locks himself in
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his bedroom.
A: Try to get a sense of what is going on with your son. Sudden changes in behaviour, from the good to the more difficult, are signals that something significant is happening in a young person’s life.
Kids who are using drugs, those who have been either sexually or socially abused and those who are seriously depressed often change from being fun and co-operative children around the home to becoming sullen and cranky adolescents.
If any of these problems are possible, your son should get professional help.
Sometimes kids change for reasons we don’t understand.
As strange as this may seem, the first step is to look after yourself.
Most parents are dedicated to the well-being of their children, driving them to one thing or another, spending money on whatever they “have to have” and attending meetings and special events to make sure that their children are involved in community activities.
The parents get worn out, and when that happens, they are not as effective with their children as they would like to be. They get impatient, less thoughtful and sometimes frustrated.
Parents need to sit back, get some rest, eat properly and get enough exercise. If you do that, you will be surprised at how different the world starts to look.
Dealing with your son will take time and considerable patience. It might involve sitting quietly with him or having lunch at the local café. Whatever you choose, it works better if it is regular and consistent. It is your time together, to learn to appreciate each other. It is not a time to be challenging him on rules he is breaking. That can come later.
If he is making mistakes or using poor judgment, he will have to deal with the consequences of his actions. If he does not study and work at school, he will fail his grades.
If he drives the truck recklessly he will get traffic tickets, perhaps even lose his licence. If he is rude to other people, they will stop wanting to chum around with him.
The consequences are great reminders to your son that he needs to reconsider what he is doing with his life. You can support him – to a point. Don’t pay for those speeding tickets. How else is he going to learn from them?
Not all children struggle with adolescence, but many who do will still develop the responsibilities they need to survive in an adult world.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan who has taught social work at two universities. Mail correspondence in care of Western Producer, Box 2500, Saskatoon, Sask., S7K 2C4 or e-mail jandrews@producer.com.
