Q: My family has never been a happy one. My mom and dad were never cruel or abusive to any of us, and we always had food on the table and a roof over our heads, but something was missing. I cannot remember the last time either of my parents gave me a hug and told me that they loved me. Neither can I recall them doing likewise to my brother and sister. All of us have paid the price.
I had to go to rehab to work through my addictions, my brother has never been able to hold a job and my sister has just walked out of her second marriage. All of this made sense to me when I was home for a visit last weekend and I noticed that the baby picture of my youngest sister had been taken down from the wall. She died before she was two years old. I was three at the time and my sister and brother were not much older. None of us knew why our sister died.
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We have never been allowed to talk about it. In fact, I got spanked for bringing her name up when I was in Grade 2 and we had to do a school project about the family. Her death continues to haunt my family. No wonder we are struggling.
The question is, what can we do about it? I am pretty sure that Mom and Dad still will not talk about the death of our sister but we need to do something. I would love to hear what suggestions you might have.
A: It’s amazing that after all of these years the death of your youngest sister continues to be a major force in your family. I can think of nothing more painful than the death of a child and that pain gets magnified when the child was so young.
My guess is that they were completely overwhelmed and the only way they knew how to deal with the grief was to block out as many memories and emotions as they could.
I suggest finding a counsellor who is skilled in dealing with unresolved grief and spend some time trying to explore each of your own emotional make-ups. Ask your mother and father to join you but don’t count on it. If your parents have not relented yet, they are not likely to do so now.
For you and your siblings, you are more likely grieving the loss of your mom and dad than you are the death of your younger sister. You are dealing with a voice inside that is asking, “what have I done wrong.”
You did nothing wrong but convincing yourself of that is hard work. It is going to take time and effort to resolve your family issues, but if you and your brother and sister commit, you may be able to forge bonds with each other to make up for the love your parents were not able to provide.
