Q: I am 24 years old and have had many troubles. I need help. I have two little girls from casual relationships.
When I turned 17, I was innocent. I lived on a farm far from town and was bused into school. Sometimes after school, I stayed with my grandfather. He was in his 70s and needed help around the house. I often stayed in town overnight so I could visit with my school friends who lived in town.
One morning, he molested me. He touched me, spoke dirty talk and lay on top of me. I fought like crazy to get away. Now I refuse to see him. I hate him.
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My father knows about this, but won’t even talk about it, or make my grandfather accountable for this awful abuse. I can’t accept that my father didn’t side with me. I love my dad, but I now have trouble allowing him to hold my little girls. I relive what my grandfather did to me every time Dad is near them.
My grandfather is now in his 80s. He acts so wonderful to other people. But in my eyes, he is a dirty old man. I have a hard time trusting any man, even friends. People say I’m crazy to still be bothered by this when it happened seven years ago. I don’t think I will ever forget this awful feeling. I feel betrayed and worthless. How do I get past this? I will never marry, to protect my babies from men. How could any grandfather do this? He should rot in jail.
A: Sexual abuse hurts a person deeply, and the longer he or she does nothing about it, the more the hurt grows. Casual relationships and subsequent pregnancies are not uncommon with victims of family incest.
You need to reach out for help. There is information about spouse abuse and sexual abuse in the front of every SaskTel phone book. Check with the women’s shelter in your community as well. Talk to the victims’ services volunteers at your local RCMP detachment.
You were betrayed. But you weren’t responsible for your grandfather’s action. Your feelings are related to the betrayal both by your grandfather and your father who refused to take action.
The crime of sexual assault has no legal expiry limit. Sexual assault is any inappropriate touch to a private section of a person’s body. A complaint of sexual assault can be laid any time after the incident. The police are obliged to investigate the case, and the crown prosecutor will charge the person if the evidence appears to carry weight. In some situations, older men have confessed to the crime when confronted. They realize themselves that it was wrong, but are too cowardly to admit it themselves.
You need counselling. Your dad also needs to see a counsellor to help him admit to what he does not want to face – that his father was a sexual abuser.
Once you get help and he faces up to these facts, I hope that you will be more relaxed and allow him a healthy and appropriate relationship with his granddaughters, and with you.
Sexual abuse never goes away until people reach out for healing. There are excellent resources on the internet and books have been written on this subject over the past number of years.
Men can also abuse boys. And in rare situations, women who have serious problems have also abused other girls or boys.
All sexual abuse is wrong, regardless of how or why it happens.
Peter Griffiths is a mental health counsellor based in Prince Albert, Sask. His columns are intended as general advice only. His website is www3.sk.sympatico.ca/petecope.
