Q:When I was a little girl, my family suffered from sudden infant death syndrome. My baby brother, Alan, died when he was only a few months old. No one knew why but it was hard on all of us.
Mom and Dad separated shortly after he died and my sister and I grew up in two households with two parents who never learned to forgive each other.
We had our first child a few months ago and all of it has come back to me. I can remember the horrific sadness my family shared and the confusion I felt as a little girl who did not understand all that was going on.
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Now I am terrified, frightened like you would not believe that our little girl will die. My husband thinks that I am over-reacting and is not pleased, but I do not know what to do. I would really appreciate any thoughts you might have to help me.
A: You and your husband should get the professional counselling you needed but did not get when you were a little girl.
Even with the most skilled counsellor, you will not entirely get over the childhood trauma but some support might help you relax and help your husband better appreciate the significance your family story has in your personal history.
We can recover from a number of the problems we experienced when we were children but the unexpected death of a child is not easily resolved and is likely to influence you throughout your life. Your husband is going to have to learn to accept this.
To better deal with your own child, you might learn as much as you can about SIDS. We still do not understand SIDS as much as we should and we can neither predict nor help children who might otherwise die from SIDS.
Public health officials are now recommending that you position your newborn baby on his back when sleeping. The number of SIDS deaths has gone down significantly with this recommendation.
Infants should not sleep with loose blankets, and those stuffed animals should be put on the shelf until the children are older.
You might like to cuddle your baby in bed but you should not sleep with her. She can sleep nearby in your bedroom but she is safer in her own bed.
A number of parents find baby monitors help them relax because they can oversee their babies as they sleep.
I hope that you do not let your unresolved trauma from your brother’s tragedy distract you from those precious moments with your own child.
