Q: What does a mother-in-law do when she and her daughters-in-law have incompatible personalities? Whenever there were problems between my daughters, I encouraged them to be honest with each other, also considerate and understanding of the other’s feelings, and then, to try to work it out from the heart. And they do usually resolve problems between themselves with time.
I cannot do this with my daughters-in-law, nor do I feel I can tell my sons their partners are especially to blame for conflicts. I just listen and get a headache. Any comments you have on this type of relationship would be helpful.
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A: Every relationship is different. And you only have control over half of any relationship – namely your thoughts, beliefs, feelings and actions toward yourself and toward the other person. You have apparently taught your daughters some effective principles of living. But like any teacher, your influence ends when the lesson ends. It appears that your daughters do practise what you preach, even if not as quickly or as thoroughly as you might want them to do at times.
Adults vary in how they react to their own parents. Some people become good friends with adult parents. Some feel in competition with them, trying to prove themselves, either trying to be very different or trying to live up to or against their parents’ expectations. Others have a lot of anger and hurt and try to avoid contact with them. No way is wrong. Each way is how a person is trying to cope with the situation.
You had many more years of guiding and teaching your daughters than you’ve had with your daughters-in-law. They each had their own particular upbringing and what they were taught about living or getting along may be different.
About “incompatible personalities,” everyone in the world is slightly incompatible with everyone else. You might want to write down and note where you and your daughters-in-law have differences. Are there differences in expectations? Do you expect more of them than they feel comfortable with? Do you expect them to share more than they do? Are you aware of any “hot topics” where you think, believe or feel differently? Religious or political ideas, standards of neatness or cleanliness, dressing styles, language use whether precise or vague, polite or rude and methods of raising children are where ideas can clash and create tension between generations or family members.
Are there differences in emotional response? Some people hold things in emotionally and don’t share feelings easily. Others let their feelings and ideas out rather bluntly. Some people know how to handle frustrations with others in a diplomatic and polite manner. Others dump their emotions forcefully, not aware or perhaps not caring about the consequences.
When people are incompatible, it creates some problems. But these can be minimized if people accept the fact they are incompatible and note the areas in which this is a problem. They can then try to enjoy those areas of compatibility, even if they are small, and also accept that the other person isn’t going to react or think the same. Once people truly accept what appears to be a big problem, they’re surprised about how much smaller it turns out to be.
