Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: I was married over 30 years, but nothing I ever did was right in my husband’s eyes. When I found good secondhand articles for the house, he called them junk. I had to beg for money for groceries from him. I did catering and many other things, both on and off the farm to try to make some money for us. Life was work, work, work with no appreciation. My husband had affairs, even with my sister.
I left my husband a year ago to be with another man who treats me like a person. He appreciates everything I do. But my oldest daughter and her husband have turned against me. I’m not allowed to see my granddaughters, not even when one was in hospital. Yet my daughter herself told me, “if my dad had been my husband, I would have left him a long time ago.”
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My husband had a lady move in with him four months after I left, and that’s OK with my daughter. They accept her. But they won’t accept my new partner. My son-in-law told him he would not forgive me until I leave the man I’m now staying with. So I told him I had regained control of my life this past year, and I didn’t need him (my son-in-law) controlling it. If I send my grandchildren a little parcel, they send it right back. I love my grandchildren and miss them.
My new partner had a stroke recently and is in a wheelchair. This means that I’m quite busy helping him and taking care of our house and acreage. And that’s good, since I don’t have time to think too much.
If my husband had treated me like a person and respected me, I would still be with him. When I married it was for life. But after 30 years I discovered I could not have any life at all living with him. Tell me if I’ve done right in starting a new life. I’m very happy now. I’m not always ill, as I used to be when living with my husband.
A: You’ve taken care of yourself. You’ve left an abusive relationship and you were fortunate enough to find a caring, supportive one. If anyone is at fault it’s your daughter and son-in-law for their double standard in how they treat you and their father. You may also be experiencing some of the male-female double standards much too common in society.
Unfortunately, your grandchildren are the real losers in this situation, something that happens much too often in family conflicts. I remind you that grandchildren grow up and as adults they tend to stand up for their right to see grandparents, despite what their parents may feel. Hopefully, this will happen for you soon if your daughter doesn’t wake up and see the hurt she is causing her own children.
Because she is the only one of your children who has behaved this way, I wonder if she has some resentment problems she hasn’t worked through, or whether she is just going along with her husband’s rigid and judgmental views.
Your challenge now is to take care of yourself the best you can.
