Q:My wife says that she is tired of my criticism. She thinks that I get after her too much. I am trying to set a standard of living I expect both from her and me. I am much harder on myself than I am on her. If she would try harder when I ask her to do something, we would get along with each other better, live in a neater house, and have a little more money to spend. I do not think that is so bad. What do you think?
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A:I have no doubt that you have set higher expectations for yourself than you have for others, although I am not sure that you should be setting expectations for your wife.
You are likely so critical of yourself that to survive and escape from doubts and disappointments, you have to find faults in other people. In your case, the target of your criticism is your wife.
You might want to reconsider being critical. She could leave you one day.
You can maintain a high level of excellence in your life without compromising your relationship with your wife. The trick is to recognize the differences between being critical and complaining.
Complaining means saying that you would like things to be better than they are. Criticism is an attack directed toward someone you might love. Is the intent of criticism to deflate the other person or to make things better?
Criticism is harmful. Let’s explore one example. You walk into the house in the evening to have supper but find that the house is a mess and supper is not made. If you are complaining, you say that you are starving and that the house is too messy for you to enjoy your supper.
You have options. Clean the house while you are making your own supper or work with your wife to accomplish those two tasks together. Option three is taking your wife to dinner in town.
Your wife may not be so open to options if you criticize her, suggesting she is lazy, disorganized, disinterested or obstinate. She might clean the house and cook but she likely won’t feel good about it or you.
Try limiting your comments to what is frustrating you and temper your criticism. If you can do that, you will likely find that this person will emerge as someone who wants to work with you to resolve frustrations.
Jacklin Andrews is a family counsellor from Saskatchewan. Contact: jandrews@producer.com.
