Freelance Columnist
opinion
Q: My wife and I decided to write you to tell other young people what we should have listened to ourselves, earlier. Sure, we were given lots of advice. But we didn’t listen because we thought we knew everything we needed to know, we were smarter than most, and things that would be different for us.
His story: We married very young. We believed we’d put off having a family for some time. Well, not so. Along came a baby, and married life became a lot different. The baby cries all night. We end up screaming at each other about whose turn it is to look after him. But I still have to get up in the mornings to go off to work. I’m so tired I feel like a walking zombie. Everything the baby needs costs so much – diapers, formula, etc. We try to keep him happy but nothing seems to work. The worst part is that we’re too tired most of the time to have any fun in bed. When I am interested, she says she’s too tired. And it’s not the same as it used to be.
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Her story: I agree 100 percent with my husband that marriage is not what it’s cracked up to be. We used to have time to go places and have fun like other young people. Now we don’t have the time, energy or money. We used to go to sports, movies, dances and eat out a lot. Now, we do nothing. I love my baby, but babies are so demanding. We can’t afford babysitters. And our friends never offer to look after him.
To other young people, I say stay single, get an education and earn money to afford the conveniences of life like a house or car. And don’t get trapped into heavy monthly payments you can’t afford. Maybe then, marriage would be what it should be.
But even at that, it leaves me wondering if marriage is meant for more mature people. I think we both sort of still like each other, but love? I don’t know right now. Maybe we’ll make it somehow. Who knows?
A: Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, it seems overwhelming right now, but things will improve. If your baby is crying that much, take him to your doctor. Also talk to the public health nurse in your area about ideas on soothing and distracting upset babies. If possible, mom, get involved in a mother’s support group of some type. If you get some help you may be more relaxed and able to enjoy your time with your husband better.
If they don’t plan to have or can’t afford to have a family right away, new couples need to use birth control. Otherwise, they are just playing Russian roulette. I believe strongly that a child’s conception should be something wanted by the parents, not something that just happened.
Budgeting is an important part of marriage, whether you’re in your teens, as I suspect you are, or whether you are in your twenties or thirties. Most couples start off with nothing, or very little. The key is in planning to get ahead. This requires controlling impulse buying. It involves deciding that any purchases over a certain amount need to be agreed to by both parties. It also involves setting up a monthly budget in which you put limits on entertainment expenses and set aside a definite amount for savings. And buying something with your own money is a lot cheaper than paying 25 percent interest on revolving credit or charge cards.
You can react either of two ways to the stress you’re undergoing right now. You can let these pressures push you away from each other. Or, you can work at supporting each other during this stressful time, giving each other short breaks from parenting and focusing on the emotional closeness rather than worrying about the sexual closeness at this time.
Good luck.
