Q: In a column on adultery on April 13, you said you would send the reader an article about coping with an affair and a book list. I need this information to help me cope with my spouse’s years of adultery, which have just come to my knowledge. Until recently, I thought our marriage was pretty good, and I had never had any complaints from my spouse. I am having a difficult time, even though we are going to counseling. Since we’ve been married close to 30 years, we want to save this marriage and possibly strengthen it. My spouse indicates there was no love in these acts, but does one believe this? Most articles I have read say adultery is deadly to a marriage, but one does want hope at this stage of life.
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A: The article I mentioned, How Couples Cope After An Affair, was written about 20 years ago by a counselor who experienced it within his own marriage. I have sent a copy and it is available to others who send me a stamped, self-addressed envelope. I am also going to type it into my computer, so readers with access to e-mail can get it by contacting me at: petergrif@sk.sympatico.ca.
The fact that your spouse has admitted to the affairs and is in counseling are good steps. Couples that are willing to work at improving their emotional communication have a good success rate saving their marriages.
Until recently, there was little written on this topic for couples.
Recently, I discovered Infidelity – A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman, published in 1998 by New Harbinger Publications. It is partly a workbook, since the author asks you to keep a diary as you read through it, and recognize emotional hurts and emotional healing as they occur. Other books I have read on this topic are:
Secret Lovers, by Luann Linquist, Lexington Books, 1989.
Affair Proof Your Marriage, by Lana Staheli, Cliff Street Books, 1998. It was published under the title Triangles in 1997 by Harper/ Collins.
Back From Betrayal, by Jennifer Schneider, M.D., Harper/Hazelden, 1988. This book deals especially with sexual addiction – often the reason for multiple affairs.
After The Affair, by Janis Arhahms Spring, Harper Perennial, 1997.
I recommend buying rather than borrowing a book from the library. Locating books can be done quickly on the internet and by using 800-phone numbers. Two Canadian bookstores, McNally Robinson and Chapters, offer this service.
I urge readers to pass the titles to their local libraries so the books might be more readily available to other people going through pain like yours.
