Reader disputes male comments
Q: I look forward to receiving the Western Producer each week, especially the columns on health and law. I can’t say the same for some of your columns. I detect a trend in your writing which in a subversive way is abusive toward men. This is most evident in your column of June 27. Your statements about the male-dominant Canadian culture and sex are simply too far-fetched to be imagined as the truth. A real family is made up of a husband, wife and children, all having equality and respect for each other. A real country such as Canada, of which I am proud, is primarily made up of such type of families. Many relationships have difficulties. Some are caused by husband abuse, some by wife abuse, some by ignorance, impatience, greed, poor education, etc. Finally there are relationships which are poor due to outright incompatibility. To suggest that the whole of Canadian male culture is unhealthy is absurd.
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Kindly focus your attention, as you deal with specific problems, on those problems, rather than making vague generalizations about men. It may be that those who write to you seeking advice on how to improve their relationships or starting new ones are looking in all the wrong places to begin with.
A:The June 27 column was about separation. In it, I commented on the tendency of men to avoid communicating directly, especially their feelings, and also noted that some men choose to be abusive. That is all true. Although it is changing, the Canadian male culture is still unhealthy. It is unhealthy if men are afraid to share their feelings, which most are. It is unhealthy for men to believe they need to be protective of or in control of women, which many do.
I want Canada to become an egalitarian, mutually respecting society. We’re working on it, but we’re not there yet. If the way I worded this view offended you, I apologize.
If you look at our Canadian society historically, it began as a patriarchal, chauvinistic and male dominated country. Ownership rights and voting rights were initially withheld from women. Entry into traditionally male professions, such as engineering or medicine, were restricted until human rights legislation came in. We have changed a lot over the years and are moving more toward a partnership and egalitalarian community, but we aren’t there yet.
Power to control
Unfortunately, the popular saying that “power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely,” can apply to family relationships. When one partner uses power and control tactics to get his or her way, and it works, the other person ends up giving in. Since they’ve “won” with this tactic, the first person keeps using it. True partnership involves talking, evaluating and then making mutual decisions. The one chosen to act on the decision will be the one in the partnership who is best suited, and most willing and able at that time to take on that leadership role.
Just because a man has traditionally brought in the paycheque and the woman has traditionally focused on the home and children, doesn’t necessarily mean it has to remain that way. But the minute either partner starts to expect the other to do something, just because “that’s the way it’s always done,” the potential for abuse is there.
Readers who would like copies of the Power & Control Wheel, and the Equality Wheel which outline abusive and non-abusive tactics can get this by writing to me at the Western Producer or by phoning 306-953-3855 or 306-764-1214.
