Starting a relationship
Q: I am a man in my forties. I’ve been separated for a number of years. Our divorce is now near to completion. Some of our children live with me, the others live with their mother. All the children see both of us regularly.
My ex-wife and I still do not have good communication. She chose to leave for what I think were selfish reasons. I was not abusive, didn’t drink, tried to be sensitive to her needs and to be an active partner in raising our children. Thanks to some counseling and spiritual retreats I can now understand some of the reasons why our marriage failed and how to avoid a similar problem in the future if I marry again.
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I have been dating the past couple of years, but I was not really attracted to any of them. Through various community activities, I have a lot of contact with one woman I have known for years. She is a fine, responsible person. She is divorced and goes to the same church. I am sure she would consider going out with me if I ask her. She also enjoys farm life. It sounds perfect. The problem is that, again, I cannot become physically attracted to her.
I am not desperate to find a new partner. But I would like to develop a relationship slowly, based on deep friendship, and possibly leading to marriage. I miss the companionship of a woman. I feel I was cheated of this when my wife left our marriage. I am not looking for a beauty queen. But I see a lot of women, who have average looks, who are attractive to me. But none of these are available.
Am I crazy? Am I picky? Should I date the woman I mentioned who has all those good qualities in the hope that I develop an attraction to her? I am afraid to do this in case the relationship doesn’t pan out, and I hurt her and her family.
A: You have done a lot of growth and healing since your marriage broke up. Keep growing. Find the book Re-building by Bruce Fisher. It is excellent. I suggest you buy it. You’ll read it a lot.
Physical attractiveness is a product of your mind, influenced by our culture and of course the media. Some cultures place a lot of emphasis on a woman’s physical features, others on the shape and attractiveness of her face. Our North American culture has sexualized women to the degree that men sometimes fail to notice and respect personality, caring and consideration.
Excitement is a hormonal response mainly caused by thoughts that are triggered in our head by what we observe or hear with our eyes and ears. And we tend to get excited, in a hormonal or sexual sense, by what we think should excite us.
If we change our thinking, we will then find new things to be sexually and emotionally excited. You can’t separate sexuality and emotions. Our emotions and thoughts are what create our sexual excitement.
Emotional or personality attractiveness is what good relationships are based on. This involves feeling comfortable around someone, feeling appreciated and respected by them, and doing so in return. In my opinion, it is the best basis upon which to build a relationship.
Becoming romantically involved with a friend, doesn’t harm the friendship if it is a truly open and honest friendship and the romance comes out of the friendship. In fact it helps the friendship grow.
If a person ends up in a situation where their companion, lover and best friend are all the same person, and the two of them keep working on growing, rather than getting complacent about the relationship, what results can be best summed from a classic line from an old musical, “Who could ask for anything more?
