When reaching the final straw
Q: Some readers may call you a “lady’s man,” but you only tell people what is right, and that is what some of them don’t want to face. I have a lot of troubles. I live on the farm. The only advice is what I get to read, like your column.
I lived with an active alcoholic for years. He is now a dry drunk, who is always right. When he was forced to stop drinking, both by the law and for health reasons, he finally woke up.
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But the damage had already been done. Our only child disowned us and moved away, not even telling us where she is. She always wanted me to leave her drinking father. But I believed there was something in this relationship and I stayed.
I now have nothing, because this dry drunk has no personality. Sure, I have gone to Al-Anon, but listening to other peoples’ problems didn’t help when mine were worst. I have let God be God, prayed for my daughter, and hope that wherever she is, she will come home or write or phone me. I miss her terribly. I think her father is lonely. He misses his grandson.
We are now both in our 60s. I tried to make the marriage work, but
couldn’t do it on my own. He hid his liquor for years. My responsibilities were to stay home, work on the farm, feed the cows and take care of the chickens, which were my only income. He was boss. I only went to town to shop or to go to church. He hates church.
I’ve grown to hate this man whom I once loved deeply. Now the only question on my mind, which only God can answer, is will he ever show real love to me again?
A: You have started to take care of yourself. You need to do more of this. If you do so, perhaps your daughter will feel OK contacting you. Right now, I think her anger at her father is spilling over to you. Try and send a message to her through her former friends who may be living in your area. Perhaps they could mail this column to her.
You may need a break from your husband in order to sort out your feelings and future plans. If he controls the money and you can’t get away, contact the nearest shelter for women. Staff will help you get to the place and give you a few weeks to sort out your choices in life.
This service is free of charge.
The “for better or worse” phrase of the marriage vows apply to the uncertainties of life, and of the need for two people to stick together during the trials of life. It does not mean you have to stay in an abusive relationship. If you do choose to leave permanently, you can get financial support until you are eligible for the Old Age Security and Guaranteed Income Supplement. You would also be eligible for half of any assets the two of you accumulated over those 40 years.
Most alcoholics don’t do anything until they hit rock bottom. Your husband may have stopped drinking, but he hasn’t changed his controlling and demanding behaviors. If you were to leave for a while, he might wake up, find out that he has to care totally for himself, perhaps for the first time in 40 years, and then consider achieving true sobriety in his mind and behavior.
