Can abusers be cured?
I’ve worked closely with men who abused partners or girlfriends for 10 years.
I’ve seen men who didn’t change a bit from treatment. I’ve also seen many men who realized that they and they alone were responsible for their abusive behavior and made major changes.
Occasionally I hear people, particularly angry women, say “Once an abuser, always an abuser.” I disagree, but only partially.
Once a man finds he can get what he wants through intimidation, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, isolation, threats and other kinds of psychological or physical abuse, he has an ace up his sleeve.
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Having abused his partner and found it worked, he can do it again and again, knowing it will work. He has shown his partner he can have power and control over her. She quickly learns to give in to him, to avoid going through what she very well knows he is capable of doing.
But if a man accepts and recognizes he is an abuser, he can take steps to change.
Admitting to abuse is difficult for many men. They have to look in the mirror and see who and what they are. They have to give up their false pride and sense of self-importance, and accept they need to change. This is so tough a step that only a small portion of abusive men do it.
Once they’ve accepted they need to change, men then need to have patience and persist in getting help. This is done in a group program. Most counsellors refuse to treat an abusive man individually. It’s too easy for the man to deny, minimize and otherwise manipulate the counsellor.
In a group for abusive men, the other men in the group, particularly those who’ve been in it for some time, know exactly what the man is doing. It is often other men, rather than the group counsellor, who confront each other.
Poor attendance
Unfortunately, only a small portion of men who start a program for abusive men finish it. Of every 10 men who apply to begin the program, New Choices For Men, in Prince Albert, Sask., only eight or nine come to their first meeting. Only six or seven continue past four meetings. Only four or five make it past the two-month point of the eight-month program, and only two or three complete it.
And even then, those two or three men haven’t overcome their problem. They are still potential abusers. But as long as they realize they must continue to practise the non-abusive principles of living they learned in the group, and that they, not their partners, are responsible for taking care of themselves, they will most likely remain non-abusers.
So, I say, “Once an abuser, always a potential abuser, unless a man has learned non-abusive ways of behaving and practises them on a daily basis.”
I realize some women are also abusive. However, particularly with physical abuse, its acceptance in our society and the fear and harm caused to partners is far more extensive when men are abusive.
