Why men won’t ask for help
As a counsellor, I work with many men in various situations.
I may see them about personal problems that affect their work, their relationships with their children, their marriage, or even the legal system. All of these men could have reached out for help far sooner than they did.
They often tell me, later on, that they wish they had. And if they had, their problems would be far less serious. Why don’t men ask for help?
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Men are raised to believe some foolish and unhealthy ideas, such, as “A man has to make it on his own.” “If a man needs help, he’s a wimp.” “Only weak men ask for help.”
But a man didn’t birth himself. His mother and a doctor or midwife helped him with that. A man didn’t automatically learn to talk, walk, work or take care of himself. He watched others, and learned from them.
So unless a man lives like a hermit, he will need help from various people at many times in his life. No person is ever ready or able to cope with every problem that comes up in his life.
What would happen if you came up to a man who was having a hard time trying to fix something on his car, and offered to help? More than likely he would bite your head off. He wouldn’t want to admit that he couldn’t handle it all by himself.
Besides stubbornness, false pride and the crazy idea that any man can handle any problem in life if he really wants to, embarrassment also prevents men from asking for help. Men tend to have black and white thinking. They may feel if a man can’t handle everything, then he must be a failure, especially if other men find out that he is “not a man.”
If you don’t believe that terrifies men, just sit in a bar with a stranger for a while, have a few beers and then tell him, as politely and as nicely as you can, that he is “not a man.” Every man knows what will likely happen next.
Men won’t deal with or even accept most problems in life, especially drinking or abusive behavior, because they’re afraid to admit they are not in charge of their own life. What happens if family, friends or even bosses point out the destructive effect that alcohol has on his behavior, and on those around him? He’ll likely say, “I don’t have a problem. I can handle my liquor,” even if he is so intoxicated at the time that he can hardly even say the words.
If you don’t do something about a problem, you will likely hurt yourself or others. Once this damage is done, it can’t be undone. No amount of pleading, cajoling,
manipulating or even prayer can undo what has been done.
Over the last 12 years, hundreds of men have taken part in the New Choices for Men Program that I run in Prince Albert, a program for men who have been emotionally, verbally or physically abusive to their partners. Many started, but only a small number finished. Why? Because they couldn’t face the problem of asking for help and taking an honest look at themselves and their behavior.
If more men would stop making excuses, avoiding or even denying what they are doing, they would realize all men need help at times.
Relationships are like swathers and combines. They break down. And when the machines do, men don’t hesitate to fix them. But if men refuse to ask for help in other parts of their life, the breakdowns that result will be serious, long-lasting and perhaps irreparable.
