Who is responsible?
Q: I am divorced with children at home. I was in a supportive relationship for several years with a man who is also divorced and has children. Not only did the two of us grow together, but so did our families.
We had considered buying a new home together, but nothing suitable was available. Although we lived and worked apart, we phoned every day, and usually spent every other weekend together.
Imagine my shock when I arrived at his home and found him in bed with another woman. I was thrown for a loop. I ended up on medications for a while. He apologized and begged my forgiveness. He claimed it wasn’t a planned thing, but I don’t see that making any difference. He has called me often, declaring his love for me and offering to go for counseling. I feel I need a break with no contact – for how long I don’t know. I need time to sort out and deal with my feelings and to get over the shock.
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Because infidelity goes against my morals and values, I believe it is the end of the relationship for me. The whys keep haunting me. I realize it isn’t my fault, but I can’t shake thoughts like, “I’m not attractive enough,” “I’m an unexciting lover,” and “why didn’t he just end the relationship with me if he was unhappy?”
A: Infidelity can cause you to doubt yourself, but don’t let this happen.
He was unfaithful. You weren’t responsible for his straying. He was.
Initially, it’s most likely impossible for you to think of forgiving him, as you feel too betrayed and stunned. Later, you will likely feel angry and vengeful.
In time, if your feelings for him are strong, you may want to work at forgiving him. This will take time, maybe a year or more.
If you decide to work at forgiving, he will have to slowly regain your trust. Whether it is even worthwhile to begin this painful struggle depends on his being honest with you as to why and how the affair developed.
You may want counseling to help decide whether to throw away the relationship, but unless he chooses to get counseling to understand his behavior better, you’re probably best to stay away from the relationship.
Books that may help are: After the Affair by Janis Spring, 1996; Back From Betrayal/ Recovering From His Affairs, by Jennifer Schneider, 1988; How To Win Back The One You Love, by Weber & Simring, 1983; and Secret Lovers, How Affairs Happen and How To Cope With Them, by Luann Linquist, 1989. Another good book is Caring Enough To Forgive/ Not Forgive by David Augsburger.
