MSW, RSW
Living with a diabetic
Q: We’ve been married close to 50 years. My wife developed diabetes five years ago. We had an almost perfect marriage up to then, but it has deteriorated ever since. We have arguments over littler matters. She becomes irritable, confrontational and pessimistic at times. She never had a bad temper in the past, but when the argument gets going, she gets very mad. She says I am a controller.
There’s a lot of tension in our home at times. She suffers from depression and takes medications for it. I’m at my wit’s end. I don’t know what I can do to improve matters. There are days when I can’t believe what has happened to our marriage. I’ve made appointments with a counselor, but my wife won’t go with me.
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A: See a counselor on your own. Talk with someone in your health district and learn more about how diabetes affects people physically and emotionally. Her illness has likely created a lot of anxiety in her and it is coming out as depression and irritability.
None of us is a perfect husband. And when our partner is under stress, she quite naturally sees our faults and shortcomings much more easily than our strengths.
If she is depressed and anxious, she is probably not as responsive sexually as she has been. She may feel bad about that and think she is letting you down.
Instead of implying that you want intercourse, just ask her to go for a walk, hold her hand, sit beside her while watching TV, even if you don’t talk. This way, you give her your gift of presence, which may be all that she can handle now.
When she is angry, use emotionally supportive statements, such as “I understand you are upset with some of the things I do.” If she is critical, avoid becoming defensive. Just say, “Yes, you are right, I have done that at times and I apologize.”
It takes two to fight, so if she seems to be starting a fight, tell her, “I realize you are upset. I don’t want to react by saying anything that might be hurtful, so I’m going to the other room for a few minutes to keep myself calm.” Then, come back in a few minutes. Ask her if she wants to talk more about what is bothering her. If she doesn’t, raise other topics.
Regarding her comments about you being controlling, reflect on the areas where you were the prime decision maker. Recognize how she may have felt she didn’t have a voice and offer to handle things differently in the future. If she sees you are working at changing, she will likely feel more hopeful about the marriage and about herself.
If your wife is interested in working with you on improving communication and feelings, I will send you some materials if you write back. Other readers can get this by sending $1.50 to Coping column, c/o of this paper.
