Is it too late to improve life?
Q: Looking back on my life at this point, I wonder why I made the decisions I did, and it’s rather late to begin again. I am in my 70s and most of my life is behind me.
I was only 19 when we got married. From day one, my husband belittled me to his family. I was not very streetwise, fell for him and got pregnant. I hardly saw my first child grow up. His mother did most of that. My husband wanted me out working so he could afford to get a car. He was in the armed forces quite a while, and we spent several years in England. He stayed out late and we seldom saw him. Then I found he was having an affair. Even when our son and a group of friends got in trouble, my husband was out dating, rather than being with his son along with the other fathers at the juvenile court hearing.
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When I found out about his womanizing, I went to the military personnel and we were shipped back to Canada. He promised he was finished and would make a go of our marriage. But he never showed any remorse or sorrow for his actions. He would not have anything to do with counseling and he had frequent outbursts.
A while ago, his temper got out of control over a trivial thing in the garden. He said he was going to poison my little apple tree and when we got to the house, he shouted obscenities to my face at the top of his voice. Then he took me by the hair and banged my head against the floor a number of times. My neck and head were sore for weeks. He pushed me against the counter before and had me on the floor with his knee on my chest. I did not call the police as I did not want to bring shame to our children and grandchildren.
I would like to take some action, as I believe that an abuser only gets worse each time and I don’t want to end up being a statistic.
He apologized and said that was the last time it would happen, yet it also happened about a month earlier than that. He says he now wants to take care of me, and brings me tea in bed, rubs my feet, gets me vitamins and is concerned if I do not sleep well.
Our sex life has had its terrific moments but since the last abusive episode, I have no desire to have sex with him. What course of action should I take, and what are my rights as a partner who has given over 50 years of her life to raise a family and do everything in the home? I am presently covering all my personal expenses from some money I inherited.
A: Your first step is to take care of yourself. You live in a city that has emergency services for abused women. Contact them. Or if there is a mobile crisis phone number in your city, call it now. Don’t delay. The abuse will occur more frequently and could become more dangerous. Consider moving to a shelter until you can either get a court order giving you exclusive use of the home, or your husband has become well involved in a treatment program for abusive men. “Losing it” is no excuse for any abuse against a partner, whether emotional, verbal or physical.
Avoid marriage counseling, even if he pleads for that to keep you with him. Until he faces up to his abuse and learns how to change his beliefs and ideas about a man’s role in a marriage, you will not be safe. As a matter of fact, marriage counseling will increase your risk of abuse, since it won’t work and he’ll only blame you for that.
You must change your view that there is shame in bringing abuse out of the closet. Your children and grandchildren need to know the truth of what is happening. And your husband has to be held accountable for his abusive behavior and for the fact that his assets are equally yours under law.
If you lived in Saskatchewan, you would be able to get an emergency intervention order within an hour or so, which would bar him from coming within 100 yards of your home, for a period of one or two months. Other western provinces are considering such legislation, but have not put it into place yet.
Please write me again after you’ve taken steps to protect yourself and let me know how things are going.
