Negotiating chores and fun
Q: I am 10 years old. I’m sick of being ordered around all the time. My parents are always telling me to do stuff, like clean my room, feed the dog, rake the yard and help with the dishes. By the time I get all my chores done, it’s homework time. And then it’s off to bed. There never seems to be time for me to do stuff I want to do, like playing Nintendo, watching TV or biking. Why can’t they just get off my back?
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A: Parents get on your back for many reasons. They want and expect you to start to take responsibility for things in life as soon as you can. And they see it as their responsibility to prepare you for taking on adult responsibilities at a later time. But good parenting involves knowing when and how to help their son or daughter make this move, and some kids are not allowed to be kids enough.
Part of adult life is getting ordered around at times. Nobody likes it. Just ask how any farmer feels about government rules. There are many things you can’t control in life, whether it’s the weather or governments.
So that’s the adult’s view of life. You may not agree but you have to find ways of getting along with it, even now as a kid.
I’m not sure if you really object to doing your chores or whether it is “always” being told to do them that gets to you. You can’t change the first, although you can try to negotiate with your parents to do the chores you find most enjoyable. And you can change the second. Your parents likely keep telling you to do chores because they are concerned you won’t get them done. And maybe you do keep putting them off.
And every time they tell you to do the chores, a little voice in your head likely says “Just try to make me.” So what happens? You get stubborn and put them off even longer than you might have if they hadn’t bugged you.
You can’t change their concerns about you doing your chores. But you can ask them not to keep reminding you about them. But you then need to agree to a penalty if chores are not done by a certain time.
So, if instead of being reminded or nagged, you lost a privilege if they weren’t done, perhaps Nintendo, I think you would get after yourself better to get them done on time in the future. You don’t have a lot of rights as a 10-year old, but you always have the right to negotiate. But if you do that, you have to present ideas that your parents can agree to.
Also, try making deals with yourself. Make these deals up one at a time. Set up some rewards for yourself if you carry them out.
An example might be asking if you can schedule in a 30-minute period for Nintendo between doing your chores and starting your homework. It will likely speed up the chores. Or it could be going for a bike ride as soon as homework is finished. Knowing you have something to look forward to may help you complete assignments faster.
Look at what you can change around you and work on that, not the things you can’t change.
