Spouse ignores problem
Q: My husband refuses to go for counselling and won’t read anything to gain insight into our relationship problems. As a result, he’s killing my love and respect for him, inch by inch. It’s a second marriage for us both. We’re older and have been married about five years.
I was battered in my first marriage for 20 years. It took years of counselling for me to get rid of my pain. I was then independent for many years before remarrying. My husband should have gotten help after his extremely unhappy marriage ended. I believe the tensions in our marriage come from his not getting over his first one.
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We don’t talk. He will just walk out saying, “I ain’t arguing with nobody.” He won’t listen to my explanations, and then I later hear the stories he’s told others, which are all false. He bullies me cruelly. I’ve told him I won’t take it any longer. I worry he has a physical illness, like a thyroid condition, which runs in his family. He gets so moody. Sometimes he’ll lay around for days or weeks, and not even take a bath. Even getting him to wash his hair is a chore.
It seems like depression, but if I threaten to call up his adult son to take him to a doctor, he then hops up and tends to himself. So how much is it a game? He’s constantly checking his weight and blood pressure. He also forces himself to throw up if he thinks he’s getting too fat. He says he doesn’t know why a guy can’t push a button and die, once he can’t hold a job. He gets hyper when doing chores or working on cars. He has often hurt himself and refuses to let me take him to a doctor or get help.
Our phone message recorder is constantly checked, as is the mail and the mileage on the vehicle if I ever go to town alone (which might be twice a year) to see how far I have driven. I love people and I need people. But I am accused of all sorts of things if I speak to men. Our rare intimate times are now difficult for me to cope with, mainly because of how he treats me. He seems filled with hate.
I’ve told him I wished I could run him through a car wash and rinse out his heart and mind so he could begin to live again. But he blames me, saying his doctors can’t understand how he lives with me and that it’s no wonder his blood pressure is up.
A:It’s hard to leave any relationship, even a second one. But unless he admits he is abusive and gets help, you may have to leave for your own well-being and safety. Like many men, your husband probably thinks a man is only abusive if he physically attacks a partner. Controlling, manipulating, acting suspicious, lacking trust, and refusing to take proper care of himself are all abusive actions.
Support groups and safe places for abused women are in your area. Get involved with them. Let your husband know about the nearest group for abusive men. You can’t force him to attend. But you might persuade him, by giving him an ultimatum. Many men go voluntarily to programs for abusive men, but most only go because their partner has left or is about to leave. Men seldom see a problem coming. They only react afterward.
I can’t tell if your husband suffers from clinical depression , but he is not healthy, emotionally or physically. Let his doctor know what’s happening.
