Ex-boyfriend feels like a dad
Q: I ended a three-year relationship with a single mom in her thirties a couple of years ago. It ended because she didn’t treat me with respect, either by her words or actions. It took me a while to break away, but I believe it was the right thing to do.
She has a daughter, who began school a couple of years ago. We got along famously. Her father has nothing to do with her. He has remarried, has other children. The little girl and I had many good times. She often gave me the “play along as if you’re my dad” look when we were at the zoo, park or theater. I, of course, was happy and flattered to play that role. I did the best I could, blending love with discipline and responsibility.
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As usual, when adult relationships end, children suffer. Friends told me that this little girl still mentions me in glowing terms, even though I haven’t seen her for well over a year. Her mother still writes me occasionally, even though I don’t reply. The girl has sent me a few letters, asking to be my pen pal, and to take her and her mother bowling, which we used to enjoy.
I don’t want to light any “fires” by giving her mother hope that I will come back into the picture. I don’t want the little darling to believe that someday I will be her dad. I don’t want to break her heart again, like I did when I left two years ago. Do you believe I should re-enter this little girl’s life, and if so, how? I don’t know what to do.
A: You need to distinguish between your feelings for this little girl and for her mother. You are in her life, whether you like it or not.
Be honest with her mother about the lack of any likelihood of your re-establishing a relationship with her. But also let her know you realize how attached the girl is to you. Ask the mother how she feels about your becoming involved in the girl’s life again, but more as a “big uncle.” You are most likely the most important male adult in her life, even though you haven’t seen her for a long time. Offer to phone, write or visit her, with her mother’s permission. If you can spend time with her, you will be helping both her and yourself.
You can be a friend or an uncle figure to this girl without raising false hopes, as long as you are clear with her that you are her friend, but not necessarily her mother’s partner or boyfriend, present or future.
I wonder if your ex-partner has made changes in her life and is able to show more respectful behavior to you. You’ll only discover this if you check it out. If she has unrealistic expectations, you need to challenge them, kindly. Yet, when a child is involved, it is possible, with effort, to become a friend to an ex-girlfriend or lover.
