Fashion fights with Mom
Q: My mother won’t let me wear low-slung jeans and tummy-exposing shirts to school. I keep explaining to her that everyone is wearing them, but she won’t listen. I’m 12 and I think I’m old enough to dress how I want. I can use my babysitting money to buy clothes. She treats me like I’m still a baby, but there’s no way I want to wear those geeky corduroy pants and matching t-shirts she likes. I’d be laughed out of school. What should I do?
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A: You are still a youth, and like it or not, your parents have a great deal of authority over your choices. Your best hope is to reach some kind of a compromise, something that both you and your mother feel reasonably OK about. It’s better to work out a deal and gain something, than to fight and gain nothing.
Do you like those clothes because you like them, or because you need to be part of the crowd? It’s important in life to be you and not what others expect or want you to be.
Is it the exposed tummy that bothers your mother? Ask her to share her feelings about clothes and appearances in general. You may not have the same feelings or views, but acknowledge them, and then see if the two of you can meet somewhere in the middle. Once she realizes you understand her views, she will likely be more open to negotiate with you. Remember, even if your mother rules out certain clothing styles, you still have choices you can make, such as colors and accessories that allow you to be you.
And now, a word to your mother: Parents are concerned for their children and have many reasons and feelings behind the dress codes they place on them. I’m not asking you to throw away your feelings and values about such things. But you need to take time to learn and understand where these ideas came from and how they fit into today’s world.
Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes and propose some compromise that you will still feel comfortable with. You still have the final say in your daughter’s life, but only for a few more years, so find ways to hear and acknowledge her concerns.
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