Person ignores others in group
Q: A friend of mine talks too much when she is with us. She tries to monopolize the conversation. If four or five of us are together in a group, she will pick one person, such as myself, and talk to her alone. It’s as if the rest of the others aren’t there. I find this quite uncomfortable. I have tried cutting off eye contact with her. I’ve also hinted that we pay attention to others. But she doesn’t seem to get the message. How blunt should I be in order to let her know that I want to hear and be involved with everyone in the group, not just her?
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A:People who enjoy dominating conversations are difficult to cope with. But you are not responsible for her hurt feelings. If you get sucked into feeling responsible for her, you will be powerless to do anything to take care of yourself.
Don’t hesitate to interrupt her conversation. “Excuse me, I need to talk to June,” “Can I sum up what I think you said,” “I need to take a break for a few minutes. I’ll get back to you later,” are all socially acceptable ways of trying to break a conversational monopoly.
You may have to be firm. You may have to interrupt. You may have to make your point several times. The difference between bluntness and rudeness is that, with the first you are taking care of yourself, while with the second you are putting down the other person in order to feel good.
One way of breaking into a conversational monopolist is the “you count, I count” message. First, you quickly acknowledge the worth and value of the person who is talking. Second, you assert your worth, value and dignity by stating your needs.
You may have to repeat yourself. You can do this most effectively with the broken record technique. Decide in advance what you need to tell the other person. Make it a clear factual statement, in a calm clear voice, about what is happening. The first time you state it, it will likely be ignored. The other person is preoccupied with herself. Repeat the statement, without changing a word of it. You may have to repeat your position several times but you have the right and the responsibility to take care of yourself.
