Being ditched in life
If you are driving and you don’t watch where you are going, you can easily find yourself flying off into a ditch. It may have happened because you were going too fast, were distracted, or just didn’t watch what you were doing.
Regardless of why you ended up in the ditch, you can’t do anything about it. What has happened can’t be reversed. You are at the bottom of that ditch and can’t magically undo the damage you have done to yourself or your car.
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It’s normal to think of “if onlys” in such a situation. If you had or hadn’t done certain things, you wouldn’t have ended up where you did. This type of thinking is pretty common, but is not at all helpful. You have to look at where you are, what condition you are in, and what you need or can do about your situation.
This is hard for many people. They don’t want to accept the circumstances they put themselves into. They fight it instead of accepting it. And the longer they fight it, the longer they put off facing and dealing with the very unpleasant but realistic fact that they are at the bottom of that ditch, damage and all.
Partners leave
I see the “being ditched” syndrome frequently in my work with men who have been abusive to the point where their partners have left them.
At first, these men can’t believe what has happened. Once they do, however, they almost always want to fix things up, and instantly. They can’t or won’t recognize the hurt and pain their partners have gone through. They don’t realize healing is a slow process – something that cannot occur on a rigid timetable.
And the more the man tries to impose his impatient schedule of healing on the relationship, the more he damages it.
Men in such a situation resort to pleading or threatening to repair the damage they’ve done to their relationship. This happens because the man is preoccupied with his feelings, his fears and his view of what should or should not be happening. He is usually unwilling to accept the responsibility for what he has done. He blames her or pleads with her. This only alienates his partner more.
Understand behavior
If a man wants to repair the damage that his actions, behavior or attitudes have done to his marriage, he must totally accept and recognize his partner’s feelings and fears.
He must also learn to recognize his own behavior, either by looking at the past objectively and honestly, or, if his partner feels comfortable and safe doing it, he needs to listen to and acknowledge how she experienced the marriage.
But this is where he must be patient. If he pushes her to talk, he is just falling deeper into that ditch.
And if she feels safe and comfortable talking, the man must mentally tape his mouth shut and avoid interrupting or challenging her while she shares her experiences, fears and likely anger. If he interrupts or argues back, from her perspective he is just demonstrating his old behaviors again.
A man must not let himself be carried away or fixated on his feelings of insecurity, inadequacy and fear. Most men experience these feelings to some degree at times, but very few will admit to them. He must admit these to himself, but not use them as an excuse with his partner to justify his behavior.
The only way a man can climb out of such a ditch is to be honest with himself, recognizing his destructive feelings, unhealthy beliefs or ideas about life and marriage, and then keep that to himself. When she is willing and able, he must listen, completely, honestly and openly to his partner.
He put himself in the ditch. He may not like it. But he must come to grips with that ditch before he will get any further in life.
