Recognizing date abuse
Working with women who have been abused, verbally, emotionally or even physically by their partners, I often discover the seeds of that abuse were there when they were dating.
But at that time, the woman was fascinated with the positive aspects she saw in the man. She was swept off her feet and tended to ignore the following warning signs of possible future abuse.
Possessiveness
If a man starts to behave as if he owns you, or expects you to be “his” girl or woman, watch out. Jealousy is an extremely dangerous kind of abuse, leading to social controlling, emotional harassment or even physical abuse.
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In its extreme form jealousy can be dangerous. The more a man needs you in order for him to feel good, the less he is taking responsibility for his own feelings or his own behavior. And as a result, the more crazy, stupid and possibly dangerous things he may do.
Wanting his own way
Some men always expect to get their own way. They see their girlfriend or partner as their servant, there to take care of them. Such men often have subtle ways of manipulating what they want. “Don’t you think it would be better if we …”, “Come on now, you really want to go”, “Why don’t you want to make me happy”, are only a few of the lines young men will use to try to get their way.
Tragically, as the men get older, and more set in their controlling ways, they stop asking and end up demanding.
If as a woman you don’t feel you have the right to say no to any of his requests, you are being controlled by him and it is dangerous.
Controlling
This is a dangerous form of possessiveness. It leads to the man attempting to have complete control over his girlfriend or spouse. Because he doesn’t have confidence or belief in himself, he is relying on someone else to make him feel good. And that is impossible.
But this behavior is not always obvious, at least at first. It is hidden by comments like “You’re so good to be around”, “I really feel a complete man when I am with you,” “I so much want to do everything with you.”
As a result of this behavior she stops having a life or identify of her own. The clear warning clue is when the man cannot do anything constructive with his life when he is not with his girlfriend. And spending nights at the bar is not constructive.
Showing disrespect
A healthy couple can disagree and argue, but still maintain respect for each other. Such couples need to be able to accept that each has the right to be different and allow the other to be different and unique, as long as they meet certain basic rules such as fidelity, fiscal responsibility and sharing household and parenting responsibilities. Even though you may generally agree to things, you will, from time to time, disagree over how to do them. That’s OK. But when disagreement becomes abusive and one party is put down, threatened, coerced or punished by the other as a means to shut down a disagreement, the relationship is unhealthy.
Respect has gone. Abuse has taken over, and the one being abused needs to seek out help as soon as possible.
The sooner you recognize abuse when dating, and confront it, the safer you will be. If the man hasn’t realized his abuse, he can get help for himself in most major cities.
If he refuses to accept that he is abusive, then you may seriously need to look at breaking off the relationship before you are hurt further.
