Dealing with our differences
We are used to doing things certain ways and have personal standards of neatness, attitudes toward spending, and of what being “on time” means. Differences of opinion on these can be irritants among family members, between parents and children, between friends and especially between husbands and wives.
If you are challenged by your spouse, a parent or a friend about the way you are doing something, it is most likely you will be unhappy and resentful to some degree, at least at first. One of the biggest tasks of any relationship is accepting and dealing with differences, a skill that often takes much effort and time to learn.
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One good way to handle irritations is to persuade yourself that the difference isn’t worth getting worked up about. Another is to recognize that you and your partner are not and cannot be identical, and that this can help you to learn and understand someone thinks and behaves differently than you.
Being late is often a topic of conflict. It can be resolved if you accept and recognize that being ready for 8 o’clock can mean for your partner either 8:30 or 7:50. That is the schedule they’ve been raised by and tend to live by. If that schedule is not yours, hassling or badgering them to live by yours won’t help. Some people just plan their schedule around their partners, for example, learning that they won’t leave at 8 o’clock even though that is the time stated. Others agree on a compromise that is respected by both parties. They both agree to meet within a certain window of time (for example, plus or minus 10 minutes) with which they can both be satisfied. Some couples or families give 10, five or one minute warnings.
Neatness issues can also create conflict, especially around a home. Nagging seldom helps. In the case of children, parents can set up logical consequences, things that will or won’t happen unless a certain level of neatness is achieved, at least once a week. And this usually works since the children soon discover they are punishing themselves.
Neatness conflicts
It is much tougher to deal with neatness with spouses. Negotiation and compromise work much better than conflict and confrontation. Neatness conflicts often focus on the living room, kitchen and of course, the bedroom. If a couple picks a set time for cleaning up, this often helps.
Getting agreement on some minor, but quite irritating habits, like not hanging up coats, might allow one person to remind the other that a coat is not hanging up. But both parties must agree that either person can remind the other. And this message must be given without biting comments or angry tones, but merely as information. Some families may agree that things left around a room can be placed in a large cardboard carton. So if the messy person can’t find something, he or she knows where to look.
Spending habits are not only irritating, but seriously affect everyone in the household. There is usually not enough money for what people want. But good money management involves proper handling of whatever money you have. In my opinion, a married person who has a credit card, and whose spending creates money problems, needs to either tear up the card or work out with their partner the exact items that can go on credit. If a family’s income varies a great deal, credit cards are even more devastating.
Fighting over money is common in marriages, but the fight isn’t about money, it’s about two people not being willing to respect each other’s feelings and views.
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HEALTH CLINIC
by Dr. Frank MacInnis
Device treats dry mouth
Q: Some time ago you wrote about an electronic device for the stimulation of saliva in a case of severe dry mouth present in Sjogren’s Syndrome. I am greatly troubled with dry mouth and nothing has worked and no one I spoke to ever heard of this device called Salitron. Is this the correct name and how can I contact the company?
A: The Salitron has been recently approved for marketing by the U.S. Federal Drug Administration for the treatment of dry mouth occurring in Sjogren’s Syndrome. There is no other effective remedy. It is expensive but if it does the trick in persistent dry mouth, then the price may be worth it.
It is manufactured by an American company. Write to Jack Paller, president, Biosonics Inc., 260 New York Dr., Suite A, Fort Washington, Penn. 19034.
