Negative partner a drag
Q: How do you get someone to understand how he is ruining a family with his actions? I’ve been married more than 30 years and can honestly say that none of them have been good. Our children are the bright spot of my life. But now that they are on their own, I despair of my future. An outsider might say “leave,” but that is not as easy as one might hope.
One son who has finished university is interested in farming with his dad. I stayed and worked here so there would be a farm for him to come to. My husband has no interest in me as a companion, a friend or a lover. He barely spends any time with me. In fact all he expects from me is to help with the farm. I always cared for the children (he never helped), baked, cleaned, kept a big garden and helped him with farm work whenever necessary.
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He worked seven days a week for years without a break. He has told me over and over again how unhappy he is. Nothing pleases him. Yet we’ve been fortunate. We haven’t had any tragic sickness or death in our family, like others I know.
I always hoped that someday he would realize that his constant negativity and complaining were wrong, and that things would improve. I don’t want to leave, break up the family, and break up the farm, but I don’t know what to do any more.
A: It is almost impossible to get through to negative-thinking people. No matter what you tell them, they take it the wrong way. Your husband is probably a workaholic and expects everyone else to be one as well. He also holds onto the male myth that judges a man by what he gets done, not how well he treats other people.
You may have to pull back emotionally from him to avoid the hurt and pain he is creating for you. It’s too bad there isn’t a 12-step program for people who are workaholics. Their lives are indeed out of control, but they are the last ones to realize it. And it is their partners and family who usually suffer the most.
Enjoy what you have, your adult children, and any grandchildren you may have. Focus on positive things for yourself. If he wants to complain how horrible things are, just tell him you aren’t responsible for his feelings, and then do something else. The book The Emotionally Abused Woman, by Beverly Engel, may help. He is abusive by neglecting you.
You mentioned one son was interested in returning to the farm. Make sure he can also distance himself and not take his father’s complaints personally. Also make sure he works out a signed contractual relationship with you and your husband, for his own protection. Negative people have a habit of blaming and punishing others when things go wrong.
