Response to various columns
I have had quite different responses to two of my recent col-umns, one on Jan. 22 about aging men and sexuality, the other of Feb. 12 about women being abusive. Both were sensitive columns. They dealt with areas many men avoid.
Many men appreciated my first column. It dealt with a problem which they knew they were having, often with a great amount of emotional discomfort. As a result, I received no complaints about it. Instead, I received several letters or phone calls from men asking where they could get more information about the penis pump.
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Cause of abuse
But most of the letters or phone calls I received in response to my second column, about abusive people, were not appreciative. The men were upset and angry and maintained I was denying that women could be abusive. I wasn’t. I was, however, raising the issue of how a woman’s severe rage or abusive expression of anger may result from a long period of physical or emotional abuse from a male partner. And I was also questioning a man using a woman’s abuse to justify his abusing her back, often more severely.
One man quoted numerous statistics, and a great deal of negative feelings, and referred to his bad experiences over 20 years ago. This man felt I hadn’t dealt with all the facts. I don’t have room to print all the facts he sent me, some of which I accept and some of which I challenge. Yes, some women are abusive. And some men are ashamed to admit it or do anything about it. After all, men are “supposed to be in charge.” Such men may not be believed initially, if they are the victim of spouse abuse, by friends, family or even the police.
A man who feels he is being abused needs to take care of himself, rather than abuse back. If a woman is controlling or violent shortly after he meets her, a man needs to decide if it’s healthy to stay in that relationship, despite how much he may love her. Love has never stopped someone from abusing you.
Reacting to abuse
If a woman becomes abusive later in the relationship, he needs to look realistically at his own behavior. There is a chance her new abusive behavior is a response to his own behavior that he may not be aware of. This is especially true in the case of non-physical abuse, such as emotional, verbal, isolating, intimidating or threatening forms.
I believe that any abusive person, male or female, needs to be held accountable within their relationship and in our courts, for their abuse or violence. If, as there appears to be, there is a big difference between how women or men are treated in the courts for abusing a partner, the courts need to take a good look at it.
The writer expressed anger that Lorena Bobbitt was acquitted for cutting off her husband’s penis because she had been abused. I’m concerned, too. I believe strongly that if you do something wrong, you need to be held accountable.
But circumstances, like ongoing abuse, must be considered in whatever sentence is imposed. The writer said “if we persist in identifying men as the sole source of domestic problems we risk continuing a sex war based on our faulty and incompletely informed perceptions.” I can agree with that.
Men are abusive because of faulty and incompletely informed perceptions they often use to justify or excuse their behavior. Two of these commonly held beliefs are: men have the right to be the boss and completely in charge of their relationship, and their partner has to do what the man wants and take care of his needs. Most men would say they don’t believe these. But if you want to change your behavior, you have to change your beliefs.
