Forget who’s right or wrong
A big part of any argument focuses on who is right or wrong. What does that accomplish? Very little, except for deepening the trenches that two people dig between themselves.
I often face this dilemma when a couple is in my office for counselling. Each person is defensive. Each feels that if they give in even a little bit to the other, they will lose the battle. My challenge is to persuade them that each can be right from their own point of view, but not necessarily right from the couple’s point of view.
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Any two people are bound to differ in many ways. It is these differences that often attract people to each other. Differences often help people be compatible and lessen conflict with each other.
But these same differences can, in time, create tension and friction between people, if they believe their partner must become just like themselves.
Once each partner accepts that each of them is right, but only in his or her own way, the head butting can stop. Each has a right to his or her own view and may want to explain why he or she disagrees with the other. That’s fine, as long as this is done with respect, diplomacy and without attacking or putting the other person down.
Criticism cuts someone else down. Honest and open sharing explains where you are coming from and why you don’t agree with your partner’s view, but without challenging the right to that view. The skill in maintaining any partnership is to be truthful, with gentleness, respect and tact.
At times, we don’t disagree only with our partner’s views but also with their actions. This is a much more sensitive area of marriage. You don’t own your partner. He or she may do things that you would not enjoy doing yourself, or which you see as being harmful to your relationship.
You have the right to state your feelings about your partner’s actions. You have the right to ask him or her to consider making changes in what they do. And that is just about all you can do. Hounding, pressuring or coercing your partner to do something, or not do something, will likely cause things to blow up in your face. The more anyone is pushed in one direction, the more likely she is to push back in the other. All that will increase is the degree of arguing.
The key to any relationship is negotiation. Suppose one partner smokes and the other doesn’t. The non-smoker has the right to request the smoker not to smoke in his or her presence. If this request isn’t honored, and one partner reeks of smoke, the other has the right not to snuggle or get close to him or her. If the smoker insists on smoking in the house or bedroom even though it bothers the non-smoker, the non-smoker has several options – buying an air cleaner, moving to a different bedroom or even moving out of the house.
The issue isn’t whether it’s right or wrong for the smoker to smoke. That’s a matter of opinion and personal decision. The issue is the non-smoker’s right to live in a non-polluted environment.
In this case, through negotiation, the smoker must recognize and consider the unpleasant effect smoke has on one partner. Otherwise, the non-smoker will take action on his or her own. If the partner wants to smoke, he or she needs to negotiate a space or time when it won’t offend the other. Each is right in what they want. But each is wrong in assuming that what they want is what their partner has to accept.
When both partners accept that they are neither right nor wrong, they have made the first step in dealing with their differences. Negotiation takes trust, patience and creativity. The issue is not who is wrong, but which solution will be acceptable to both and healthy for the relationship.
