MSW, RSW
Painful to end marriage
Q: One of our children was married within the past year or so, and it has broken down. Some little problems quickly ballooned into big ones, and she left him and filed for a no-fault divorce without telling him what the problem was. She has seen a counselor a couple of times, but refuses to go to one with him.
He is willing to go for counseling, but doesn’t see why he should go alone. He realizes he has some faults, but is not guilty of some things of which she is accusing him. He has always had some problems in communicating.
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They are reasonably young and went out together for several years before they got married. He is devastated by the turn of events and wants to honor his wedding vows. For a while, she wouldn’t even accept his calls. Now they are seeing one another for short periods of time.
He felt second place in her life, as she would often go home to her parents every time there was a little argument. He wants to work on his marriage. He realizes there are many issues to be dealt with. But I know he is hurting badly and feeling alone.
Can you shed some light on what a no-fault divorce involves? I find it quite hard to believe that our society allows one party to divorce another, without any input from the second party at all.
A: Marriage is based on two people choosing to spend their lives together. When one person, for whatever reason, decides they do not want to be married, the marriage may well be over emotionally. And divorce procedures are the way to legalize what has already happened.
A healthy marriage requires people to stand up for themselves and their rights, to show respect for the partner’s rights, and to negotiate and compromise when there are conflicts. This is hard work. It involves sharing feelings and desires with your partner. It involves listening to him or her and doing your best to understand how she sees things and feels about them.
It sounds like they both have some weaknesses. He may have been anxious about sharing his feelings with her, fearful perhaps at being rejected or starting an argument. When she retreated to her parent’s home after an argument, she may have been afraid of or unable to handle the conflict. All couples have conflict at times. The key is in recognizing it, and then taking steps, with the help of each other, a counselor, or some good resource material.
I understand that as parents, you are likely hurting as well. Parents of couples who are breaking up often feel helpless. And often, friends and family don’t realize that parents need support at this time.
I’m glad they are talking with each other. If his wife has decided the marriage is over, then there is nothing your son can do.
But even if they divorce, they can help each other learn more about where the weaknesses and problems developed in their marriage.
If they can both “let go with love,” they can remain friends, and can each heal and grow, which may help them cope better in their next serious relationship.
