Son’s problems worsen at home
Q: My son, now an adult, has had problems all his life. He was diagnosed as hyperactive as a toddler and was on various medications including Ritalin. He had difficulty getting along in school, and saw many counselors and child psychiatrists.
When he finally got seasonal work in a nearby town and later worked on the oil rigs, I breathed a sigh of relief. He earned good money and seemed happy. But he let the money go to his head and spent it foolishly. Then the oil crisis hit and he was let go. He is now several thousand dollars in debt. His employment insurance benefits are about to run out.
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We told him he could live with us free, as long as he put his EI income into paying off his debts. But judging from the phone calls coming from bill collectors, he’s obviously not doing this. And he gets very angry when I pass these calls on to him, rather than taking a message.
Money problems
There are other problems. I co-signed for a major purchase of his. He eventually gave the item to us, but I am still responsible for paying off the bill. And last year a friend talked him into buying an expensive computer on our son’s credit card. The friend said he would make the payments. Then the friend disappeared. Our son sold the computer for $1,000 but is still getting calls from bill collectors about it.
He has become difficult to live with. He is often verbally abusive. He is lazy and does as little as possible around the farm. He’s extremely immature, is very messy, leaving pop cans and chip bags around, and refuses to even hang up his coat. He spends most of his time in his room, listening to loud music. We constantly ask him to turn it down. He refuses to use headphones, saying he gets earaches.
He has become negative and has nothing good to say about anyone or anything. He had made one unsuccessful suicide attempt, and has mentioned more than once that he wants to shoot himself, or go on a shooting spree.
I’ve hidden the ammunition in our house and would like to put the guns elsewhere, but my husband doesn’t think that is a solution. Our son will not go to a doctor for any reason.
A: Your son needs medical attention, as well as counseling, and as soon as possible. Phone and talk with the mental health clinic in your area.
Given his past problems and your description of his behavior, I suspect he is suffering from depression and an immature personality. He is an adult, so you can’t physically force him to see a doctor. But you can give him a choice of seeing a doctor and a counselor or moving out of the house.
If he threatens suicide at all, you can see a magistrate privately and a warrant will be issued to have him taken to see a psychiatrist, even if he doesn’t want to.
As parents you have to take some steps to deal with his behavior at home. If he won’t use headphones to listen to music, unplug the boom box. Don’t allow pop or chips in the house if he leaves a mess. It is your home. He is a guest in it and as such, he has to respect your feelings and your expectations.
He has made serious mistakes about money in the past, but he is responsible for them. Right now it appears he’s trying to bury his head in the sand, pretending they aren’t there.
Options available
He could explore the Orderly Payment of Debts Act. The Saskatchewan farm stress line 800-667-4442 or a local legal aid clinic could give him some direction on that. He could also file for personal bankruptcy, but this requires a person to have about $1,000 to pay for the necessary legal services.
You may have to be firm about his paying off his debts. Insist on seeing his EI cheques when they come in. And then insist on seeing receipts for bills paid for at least 75 percent of the amount of that cheque within a week.
If he refuses to co-operate with you, the bottom line may be whether or not he is allowed to continue to live at home. I realize that’s a tough decision to make. You and your husband may want to talk with a mental health counselor yourselves for help with that issue.
