Resolving to be non-abusive
People often make New Year’s resolutions. Most of their resolutions are focused on themselves, such as resolving to exercise more, give up smoking, lose weight, work harder, or make more money.
These may be important to you, but probably not to others around you. Important resolutions focus on others and how you treat them. People may make a resolution to be nicer to their spouse, children or parents. But what does nice mean?
The only resolution that has real value in your relationship with someone else is the resolution to be non-abusive.
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Most people misunderstand what abuse is. Abuse is behavior that attacks, puts down or disrespects another person, in any way. Abuse can be verbal. Abusive language can be used, or the tone and volume of what you say can be abusive. Abuse can be emotional, such as when you belittle, ignore, blame, intimidate, pressure, coerce or threaten someone verbally.
Abuse can be physical, not only involving hitting or hurting by slapping or punching a person directly. It also involves throwing things at them, grabbing, pinching, holding, stopping them from leaving you.
You can call it an argument, scuffle, confrontation, but abuse is still abuse and it is wrong.
Few people want to be abused, so why do they let it happen? They get caught up in the trap of abuse. They discount how serious it is. They believe the abuser will change, that they can change him, or that they are really responsible for the abuser is doing to them.
These are all false beliefs, but if a woman believes she is supposed to take care of her partner who is abusing her, he will use this belief of hers to justify his keeping on abusing her. Not every man plans in advance to be abusive. Many are shocked, embarrassed, upset or depressed after it happens. But abuse happens, in far too many relationships, and far too often.
Too many men buy into some stupid beliefs that are found in our society, such as the one that a man is supposed to be in charge and his partner is supposed to take care of him, or that a man can’t admit to losing, and must fight back, no holds barred, if he finds himself cornered, even if only by his partner and only emotionally.
Face the facts
Abuse is a behavior. It results from your feelings and beliefs that you can’t handle what is happening around you, and that you have to take charge or get even. The decision to abuse can happen faster than a light bulb goes out, if a person isn’t aware of it and doing something to manage it. And no matter how much you may regret what you’ve done, you can’t take out an eraser and take away what you’ve done, after you’ve been abusive. You have to face the consequences.
The first step in keeping a resolution to be non-abusive is to be aware of yourself. Recognize your feelings before you choose to lose control of yourself. Take some time, off by yourself, away from what is bugging you, and track down, within your head, the thoughts and beliefs that are creating those feelings. Challenge unrealistic and abusive thoughts such as: “I’ve got to show her. I’ve got to be the man around here. I can’t let her do that. If I don’t take charge, I’ll lose charge of everything.”
We call this a “time out.” But you have to use a time out the right way. If you don’t, you just stay wound up and run the risk of being abusive to your partner. Thoughts go through our minds constantly. If you don’t catch them, the negative, angry and abusive thoughts can easily take charge, and quickly lead you to choose abusive behavior.
But once you catch and challenge those thoughts and beliefs, then you have a choice. You can think and behave non-abusively, and in that way achieve that New Years resolution of yours. It’s up to you. The choice is yours.
