Bringing back the romance
Q: I’ve tried everything to put romance back into our marriage. I don’t want expensive things, just the affection and kindness my husband gave me when we were first married. He’d bring me brown-eyed Susans on his way back from the field. When the kids were young, we couldn’t afford babysitters so we didn’t go out much. That was hard on me. He said we’d get out more when they were older. They’re older now, but we still don’t go out much together.
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Vintage power on display at Saskatchewan tractor pull
At the Ag in Motion farm show held earlier this year near Langham, Sask., a vintage tractor pull event drew pretty significant crowds of show goers, who were mostly farmers.
I started going out to things on my own. I also got a job, hoping that if I helped with bills, he wouldn’t work all the time. That didn’t change anything. My job helped me feel worthwhile and appreciated by others, but he was angry because I wasn’t at home. Even if he was out in the fields, he wanted me home in the house.
He works hard. But I’m tired of the livestock getting more attention than me, since they’re worth more, moneywise. He seldom calls me by affectionate names, or even by my own name. Is there anything wrong with asking your wife out on a date? He seems to think so.
He thinks that sex solves all our problems. But I’ve grown cold to him lately. I stay on my side of the bed. If sex is just “slam bam, thank you ma’am,” with no romance before, and no glow after, why bother? After I’ve spent all day pleasing the children and others, at night I just think, “Oh no, not one more person to please before I get any peace for myself.” I just can’t turn on every time the lights go off.
Why do men romance a woman all out during courtship, and then ignore the emotional aspects after marriage? Both he and I read your column regularly. I hope he’ll recognize my letter. Maybe then he’ll believe that I really want us to have a better marriage.
A:A wedding is the beginning, not the end, of working on a relationship. Little things, that don’t have to be expensive, mean a lot. Taking time to tell your partner how much you appreciate him or her is part of romancing. So is taking time to listen to your partner, without interrupting.
Affection is not sex. Affection is showing caring, consideration and attention to your partner. Affection is respecting all of your partner’s needs, particularly social and emotional needs, even when they aren’t the same as yours. And if you do this, and you both feel relaxed and good about the relationship, then the lights may indeed turn on instead of off in the evening. And if it does, it’s important that the same caring, consideration and attention is shown during physical intimacy as was shown earlier in the day.
Tell your husband how important those little things were and still are to you. Ask him to do a little thing at least once each week to let you know you are important. You might even give him a wish list from which he can choose. It may be helpful to him when he wants to show he cares, but isn’t sure how. And you can ask for a wish list from him, asking him for the time being, not to list any sexual wishes on it. Those can come later when you both feel better about each other.
I hope your husband reads this letter and I hope he is willing to become more romantic in the important ways. You can find excellent books at the library to help. Some I recommend are: Caring Enough To Hear And Be Heard by David Angsburger (Regal Books), Talking Together by Miller, Nunally & Wackman (Interpersonal Comm. Prgms), Do I have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You by Jordan & Margaret Paul (Compcare) and Getting The Love We Want by Harville Hendrix (Perennial).
