Surviving a breakup
A breakup is difficult to deal with. And from my 33 years of experience counselling, it is becoming a bigger and more common problem.
Even after people cope with the acute pain of a breakup, which may involve dealing with shock, denial, depression, anger, grief, confusion and guilt, and can easily take up to two years, they must then decide if they want to risk reaching out for another relationship. Getting involved with someone new can be scary. He or she may want to be with someone else in a caring relationship, yet are afraid. They don’t want to risk being hurt again. They don’t want to go through that pain again.
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But since few people enjoy being single for a long time, people whose relationships have broken up will likely, at some point, start dating or seeing someone else. If that person hasn’t learned from his or her previous relationship, has not realized their own shortcomings and those of their ex-partner, and just seeks out the same kind of person they were with before, the relationship hasn’t got a chance, at least in the long run. It’s not by chance that some people keep picking the wrong partner. Such people are so wrapped up in their own problems or image about what things should be, that they can’t see the other person clearly. The more people you date or become involved with, the more critical you need to become in sizing up your dates and in dropping those people who obviously won’t be healthy for you.
But once someone finds a new, compatible person to date and develops emotional feelings, this person often allows two barriers to come between him and the new partner. One is the fear of committing themselves to that person. The other is the fear they will be hurt by him or her, just as their previous partner did.
Men have the biggest problem in dealing with these barriers and often lose or throw away promising relationships. Many men find it hard to express feelings of affection and tenderness, or even accept them.
It’s risky to share positive feelings. What if the other person doesn’t feel the same about you? You may feel let down or hurt. This may trigger old hurt feelings from your earlier relationships. But if you’re honest and caring with your feelings, you can feel good about yourself regardless of what the other person does or says.
People have to move toward commitments at their own speed. Unless you share where you are, the other person won’t know. And even if you find out they don’t have the same feelings toward you, you benefit in two ways. You now know that the feelings are only one way. You then have to decide if it’s worth continuing to try to have something you don’t really have. And, you have also experienced that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Caring is risky. But not caring is even riskier since others never know how you feel, and also your chance of finding and being in a new relationship is zilch.
