Spouse immature
Q: My husband doesn’t seem mature. When our children were born, my husband said it was more important to be a child with them than to always be an adult. He’d play with them like a kid, and then call me to restore order because they weren’t showing him any respect. I told him that if he acted like a teen-ager he’d be treated like one. The children grew up and moved on.
He hasn’t.
Some years ago, he met another woman, who was his dream come true. I was told to move out and make room for her. They didn’t last long. A couple of years later, I moved back.
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My husband is not a self-starter. When I’m away working, which can be for days at a time, he reads, rents movies, spends time on the phone, but doesn’t do housework or cook. His personal hygiene is poor, and he wonders why I am not interested in sex.
When I want to share things with him, he interrupts me frequently. If I ask him something, he answers in a way that puts me down and treats me as if I am stupid. His friends act like leeches.
One owes him thousands of dollars, and we have little hope
of getting it back.
We have become different people. I go to church and spend time on holidays with our grown-up children. He doesn’t. I believe in getting work done. He would just as soon laze around and go to
town than do the chores.
I haven’t heard the words “I love you” from him for many years. But I do not regret moving back and have no desire to move out.
A: There are no drugs or treatments to cure immaturity. The only way immature people like your husband can change is if they look at themselves honestly, realize where they have to change and start doing so. Since you can’t change him, you have to look at yourself and your choices.
I wonder whether you are staying in the marriage for the security of a home, religious obligation or personal commitment. And I wonder if you have thought it through. Making sure you know why you are making a decision and how the decision to stay is affecting you is the first step in making a good decision.
You can take steps to protect yourself, starting with keeping your money separate. Your husband may behave financially in ways that jeopardize the farm. But if you have your money separate, then he can’t get his hands on it.
I strongly recommend two books by Beverly Engel, The
Emotionally Abused Woman, and Encouragements For The Emotionally Abused Woman (Fawcett
paperbacks), as well as The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans (Bob Adams Publishers.)
