Hard worker resents wife
Q: Our daughter’s marriage is in crisis. Her husband won’t see a counselor or anyone else. He is a reliable worker, away from home weeks at a time, whenever work is available. But his dream of making big money in logging has been shattered. They have faced a financial struggle for several years.
Our daughter works out of her home, selling personal products, privately or at parties. She enjoys it. It also brings in much-needed money. But her husband resents her working. He insists she quit and threatens to leave her if she doesn’t do as he says.
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Since he is often away from home there are always problems to handle when he gets back, with money, the kids or the house. He gets frustrated easily and shouts a lot at her and the kids. I believe he’s a good father and loves his kids very much, but his verbal and emotional abuse is destroying a once happy marriage. I don’t think he’s ever hit her.
A: The best approach is to try to arrange for your son-in-law to read this article. Because of his anxiety and obsession about providing for his family, and his fear that his wife is becoming more of a person on her own, he is slowly destroying his marriage.
He needs to realize that marriage today is a two-vote relationship. One partner can’t lay down the law for the other partner.
Instead, each has to learn to respect the other partner at the same time as they maintain respect for themselves. Your daughter’s job is obviously an important part of her self-respect. And your son-in-law’s fear that he’s not providing enough for the family on his own, is eating away at his self-respect. When you don’t like yourself, you don’t usually treat other people well.
Emotional abuse
I would recommend your son-in-law find out the location of the nearest program for abusive men. In most provinces these are run by mental health services. A man doesn’t have to hit his wife to be abusive. He can hurt her emotionally with words and behaviors. And he may not even realize that he is.
He is probably a very nice guy, but his behavior isn’t pleasant at present, and a counselor or a men’s group can help him to become the kind of person he likely wants to be. If he does that, he’ll also have a better family life.
