Don’t wallow in your past
Dealing with a painful problem from the past is like getting stuck in the mud. People need to realize they are stuck in order to start doing something about it.
To get out of that mud, people can rock the vehicle back and forth, get someone to provide a push, or even if necessary get a tow. If they stay stuck in the mud, and give up trying, they won’t get anywhere. Equally, if they panic and rev the engine madly, they will only dig deeper into the mud.
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Getting help for a problem is like getting unstuck from the mud. People must recognize painful feelings. But focusing excessively on those feelings won’t get them anywhere, except feeling sorry for themselves and feeling even more helpless.
We all have painful feelings we need to let out. And sometimes, as in the case of grief, we need to express those feelings over and over. But the feelings we really need to deal with are not those from the past, but the ones we are experiencing now, even though it can be hard to distinguish between the two. Going over old hurt feelings again and again, and never dealing with current feelings, won’t do a person any good.
Most effective therapists recognize this. They won’t disregard the individual’s pains from the past, but they will help the person focus, right now, today, about what they can do about the present. Past bad experiences cannot be changed. But people need to eventually move beyond the past, and look at what they can do to help themselves right now.
Focus on one bit of healing activity to help in the present. Every bit of healing or positive activity that focuses on the present, helps a person deal with the present.
It is OK to reflect on the past, and remember the past. For people in grief, these are often bittersweet memories. They remember the laughs of the past, but also remember and experience the pains of both the past and the present.The past is part of one’s experience of today. But wallowing in the pains of the past may shut out the positive things that are happening today.
People heal themselves when they recognize their feelings and write them down. Once they are on paper, look at them, argue with them, understand them and move beyond them.
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