Man tired of complaining
Q: I have similar feelings to a reader (Aug. 15, 1996) who challenged your past comments. Yes, there are many abusive men, who we all need to condemn. But many fine husbands who work at their marriages are badly treated by their wives. Women often say husbands don’t communicate with them. But it may be because he learned that, however personal it is, his wife will blather it to anyone who’ll listen. No wonder he doesn’t communicate. It’s self-defence.
I’ve spent 35 years with a fine wife. She’s wonderful. She helped me survive several bouts of severe depression. But I’ve learned not to tell her anything I wouldn’t want to read in our newspaper. I often asked her, gently, to use some judgment in what she told people. But it hasn’t changed her.
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Women complain “he doesn’t help me with the housework.” But do they make it a pleasant experience for him, or do they nag the “captive audience” with a list of everything that has to be done, the kids’ problems, or all the tragedies happening to their friends or what they’re afraid might happen? Women need to try to talk about pleasant things while doing chores and let him say a few words. But if he’s afraid what he says may be the subject of their next neighborhood conversation, he may not share much.
No use trying
Because of my experiences, I send my wife off to do something else while I do the dishes. Most men I know are like me, not great with words. They’d rather stand silent than offend anyone. Some told me they’d rather take the verbal abuse their wives unconsciously subject them to than risk an argument they’ll lose, even if they are right. Some men don’t know how to bring up the subject of their wife’s verbal abuse, without her taking offence. In many of your columns I’m sure there is another side to the story that would place a different light on the situation.
A: You’re both right and wrong. In the almost 18 years I’ve been writing this column, I have been fooled on more than a few occasions, but I’ve found the vast majority of women who write to me are honest and fairly accurate in their description of their situation.
Help from third party
I’m not calling you an abuser, but your attitude and expectations of women are stereotypical and generalized. Most women are respectful of confidential issues that their partners share with them. Most women are willing to listen to their husband’s concerns. If they are not, their partners need to confront the issues with sensitivity, caring and respect. If their partner can’t cope with that confrontation, the couple may need a third party to help them.
Men are not always skilled at being sensitive, tactful or choosing the most appropriate time and place to raise an issue. It’s often easier to have a sensitive, effective problem-solving session with your partner in a private, corner booth of a not-busy coffee shop, than in your own home. Each of you tend to get defensive on your home turf.
Also, being in public helps you control that normal tendency for voices to gradually get louder.
Writing a letter to her is another way of raising an issue. But, re-read your letter at least five times over a period of a few days. Imagine you are her reading the letter. How do you think she’ll react? Which words have emotional barbs hidden in them? Make the changes and leave the note, in an envelope with her name on it. In it, invite her to either write back to you, or schedule a time with you to discuss the issue.
Being positive and making specific requests in a time set aside for that purpose will likely lead to both of you agreeing to the problem and owning a solution. I believe this is better than giving up negatively, as you seem to have done.
