MSW, RSW
In-laws and parenting
Q: I have to work off-farm to keep the farm alive financially. My mother-in-law takes care of the children, and since I have a considerable drive to get back home, she gets supper on the table. I feel guilty not being home with my children, but I find it difficult that my mother-in-law not only seems to want to outdo me at cooking and homemaking, but she won’t discipline the children the way I want.
A: For years, raising children wasn’t a problem because things were done the same way for generations. That has changed drastically, particularly when it comes to parenting and especially with respect to in-laws.
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The first step is to discuss your concerns with your husband. Acknowledge your mother-in-law’s support, but share the areas where you are in conflict. Don’t expect him to have the answers. If your husband knows what you may be discussing with his mother, he can be prepared to back you up.
Since your mother-in-law is a visitor in your home but prepares meals, you need to respect her ways of doing things, but at the same time still come home to your own kitchen.
Explore menu planning with her, respecting both her interest in cooking and the dietary needs of the family.
Discipline is a trickier issue. You and your husband are responsible for setting out the basic rules for disciplining the children. Your husband has to be prepared to relate to his mother as an adult, not as his mother. The book Cutting Loose: Coming to Grips with Your Parent as an Adult by Howard Halpern can help him.
Consequences and rewards
You can set out the basic routines, privileges and consequences for your children’s behavior, but you need to involve her since she is acting as a parent figure for about 40 hours a week. Once you and your husband have agreed to your basic parenting principles, discuss them with her. Focus on ways that grandma can reward the children for good behavior.
If opinions differ, check the library or video store for parenting videos to watch together and discuss. I highly recommend Magic Ð One Ð Two, Three and any video by Barbara Colorosa. They share basic, common sense parenting principles. Stress to your mother-in-law that you appreciate her knowledge, but you want to figure out the best way the two of you can help your children and her grandchildren grow up.
Your mother-in-law can’t be you and you can’t be her, but you can practise the same principles in different ways. The issue is how a grandmother and mother can find areas to agree on, hopefully the important ones, and manage to accept their differences.
