Backing off, backing down
There is a big difference between backing off and backing down.
Arguments become more serious, and as a result more damaging, when people won’t back off. The reason people keep arguing is because they mistakenly believe if they back off they automatically back down, and then lose face as well as the argument.
But there is another option that most people fail to recognize. Backing off means pulling back, not pulling out of the argument or giving up on it. It means sensing this is not the time to push things any further. It involves using techniques to defuse tension, such as time-outs.
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Backing off doesn’t mean giving up our feelings, opinions or positions. We all have these and are entitled to them. But there are times when it is more important for us to back off than to keep pushing our feelings and opinions at others.
It is one thing to state an opinion. It’s quite another to get pushy. Repeating something over and over, or telling someone what they should think or feel is pushy.
When we realize we are pushy, or that someone else is pushing back equally as hard, the best thing is to back off. But we don’t need to back down when we back off. In backing off you realize that now is not a proper time or place to keep harping on the issue.
The comment, “I realize you feel different than I do about this, but my feelings are very important to me” is one way to back off. Another is “I know you want to discuss it, but I’m not ready to talk more about it right now.” A third is “I feel strongly about this and I would like you to think about my views first, and then let me know within X (hours or days) how you feel or what you think about it.”
When you back off, you recognize the other person. You don’t try to tell others what they should feel or think. And you don’t let other people pressure you into feelings or views you aren’t comfortable with.
If you don’t learn how to back off, two things happen. You feel challenged and end up blowing up a lot. If you end up backing down, you feel angry at yourself for buying peace by giving in.
