Uncomfortable with a flirt
Q: I am a happily married woman in my twenties. My problem is with my former boss. He is now retired, but whenever I am at a function that he is at, he ogles me all night long. Every time I glance around, he is trying to get my eye.
My husband is also upset about this man’s behavior. I was friendly to this man, nothing else. But this man seems to think there is something more. It makes my skin crawl to even think that he might think I would have anything to do with him. He is old enough to be my grandfather.
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I confided my problem with a co-worker, and she said the same thing has happened to her. We sure would like to know what pressures these old men into acting this way. I can’t even smile pleasantly at him, without him leering back at me. He just won’t let up.
A: How can you ignore his behaviors? Or can you make him stop? Sometimes when people refuse to notice or react to irritating behaviors of others, those people stop doing them because they are not getting any reaction. It will take effort and perseverance, but in time it may pay off.
The other way is to change his behaviors. If he is told by enough people, and enough times, that his behavior is inappropriate, he may decide to change. But this must be done in a firm, clear, non-violent, non-aggressive way.
Trying to talk with such people is not usually effective. For one thing, talking to him makes you vulnerable to his ogling again. Instead, you might write a carefully composed letter, spelling out what he has been doing that is inappropriate, and exactly what the consequences will be if he continues to act that way.
There are several consequences you might wish to point out, if you write such a letter.
- Your next step might be to ask your husband to meet with him.
- You may want to make it clear that other women in the community also object to his leering and ogling.
- You may want to point out that if it continues, you may have to inform his wife that his behavior upsets women in the community.
- If you were still working for him, I would suggest contacting the provincial human rights commission.
As far as why he carries out this rude behavior, it is likely related to his falsely believing that he is God’s greatest gift to women, and that all women enjoy his attention. The sooner this false, but far too common male belief is challenged, the better it will be for all women.
